9 Songs The 'Mean Girls' Musical Should Add To The Soundtrack If They Want To Really Be Fetch

For those of you who think Mean Girls is a flawless film (so everyone), we have some big news. Jeff Richmond, composer of 30 Rock and your new favorite show Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, just announced that the Mean Girls musical is about "60 percent written." Moreover, we now know that Regina's mom (played by American hero Amy Poehler in the film) gets her own number called "Old Blonde Song." Between that and an unnamed song about October 3rd, the mind only boggles at what other topics will get a musical rendition.

Let it be on the record that I am entirely skeptical about this musical, as I was skeptical about Legally Blonde and Heathers becoming Broadway-tized. Why? Because you don't tamper with perfection. But, on the other hand, there's a dark side of me that wishes everything could be a musical, and mentally writes lyrics for everything I have ever loved. That side of me has taken over.

Truthfully, there's only a vague possibility of this project ever getting finished. The musical's been in the works since 2007, so "60 percent written" is about as valid as "30 percent chance that it's already raining." But, even with that in mind, I conceived some possible songs that may be in the works RIGHT NOW.

1. "North Shore High"


Cady's ingenue song about the wonders and horrors of transferring to a real high school. Think "Mountain Town" from the South Park movie. Or better yet, "Belle" from Beauty and the Beast. It's one of those.

2. "How Do I Even Begin to Explain Regina George?"


Because that montage is perfectly set up for every ensemble member gets at least one line, and their parents can sleep at night knowing that, four years and $144,000 later, that Juilliard education didn't go to waste. There's no better way to introduce the Queen Bee.

Ultimately when they workshop the musical, they may just substitute some words in Sound of Music's "Maria," retitle it "Regina" and call it a day. Otherwise, my deepest sympathies to the poor bastard that has to find words that rhyme with "George."

3. "Laws of Girl World"


The longest song in our set, that includes two Phantom of the Opera transitions in the duration of the song (with a cardboard Silver Lexus, of course). From the lunch table, to the mall, to Regina's glamorous room, Cady gets a crash course on the "rules of feminism," according to the Plastics, both outwardly stated and simply implied. Patti Lupone plays the Burn Book, and she sings out the insults written on its pages during the bridge.

This is one of those 15-minute long endless numbers that has people talking in between it while the song jauntily continues to play in the background. Painful, but you can't have a musical without one.

4. "Halloween"


In which Cady spends all night trying to figure out what to wear to the Halloween party, intercut with what the Plastics are going to be. It's a great way to further distinguish the lack of understanding Cady has about Girl World.

Also, it's a great way to overtly establish that Karen is a mouse. Duh.

5. "You Go Glen Coco"


Glen Coco is the most important character in this film, so of course Damien sings a whole song about him.

6. Some Awkward Reworking of "Jingle Bell Rock"


Unlike many other Christmas songs, it's not public domain, so they're going to have to rearrange something for the iconic Santa scene.

7. But Kevin G's rap will stay in tact or so help me god


In fact, this better be an extended version, with an exclusive remix included on the soundtrack.

8. "Caesar"


They scrapped "Fetch" in the earlier drafts of the musical. They stopped trying to make it happen. It wasn't going to happen. But Gretchen gets her own song here, ripping Regina to shreds the guise of her essay on the Ides of March. Go for the Tony.

9. "Talk It Out"


I really just want them to turn the gymnasium group therapy into a bombastic musical spectacular. Is that so much to ask?

Images: Paramount Pictures, Giphy (9)