In his new erotic short story, “Conquered by Clippy,” author Leonard Delaney weaves a rousing tale of paper clips and sex. Dear God, what hath our internet age wrought? Rule 34 famously tells us that if something exists, there is porn for it. This is a tried and true fact, and yet somehow I, in my naiveté, was still surprised to discover the latest entry into the “Wait, What?” category of erotic literature: Clippy porn. Come on, you all remember Clippy, the anthropomorphic paperclip helper that used to pop up while you were working on Microsoft Word? Yeah, well, now there’s porn for that. Needless to say, you’ll never look at office supplies the same way again.
Here’s Delaney’s blurb for the work:
Christie Aackerlund doesn’t need help with anything. So when the world’s biggest technology company offers to fly her to a remote location and investigate an alien artifact, all by herself, she’s all like “I’ll do it!” But the artifact isn’t what it seems, and soon an overly helpful giant living paperclip is getting her all bent out of shape.
By “all bent out of shape,” I’m assuming he means “hot with the need for some sweet Microsoft Office loving.”
If you’re wondering how Clippy porn would actually, er, work, here’s a sample. (Warning: this is where things get explicit):
She reached out and grabbed his glowing red end. It was hot, but not too hot. He uncurled further at her touch. “I’m Microhard,” he muttered. She smiled with one side of her mouth, then got on her knees. Unlike an actual paperclip, the end of his coiled body was rounded, and it felt smooth in her mouth. As she lapped and sucked and tongued at it, it became even redder and hotter. Her own human body part (vagina) felt hot too
(I’m so glad that Delaney specifies which “human body part” he’s talking about, aren’t you?)
In an email exchange with Miles Klee at The Daily Dot, Delaney recounts his early attachment to Clippy, the animated Office Assistant who would pop up to ask if users they needed help in various iterations of Microsoft Office released between 1997 and 2004. He writes to Klee, at a young age...
Clippy appeared to me—with kind eyes and a steel shoulder to cry on, he listened to my prayers. He was a powerful and sensual presence in my life.
Also, this story apparently includes the phrase “[she] spurted lady-butter,” which is something I think none of us needed to read, ever. You’re welcome.
If you are willing to spend 3 dollars on a story that’s going to make you feel weird every time you open Microsoft Word for the rest of your life, buy the story here.
Image: Flickr; Giphy