Here's What Pickup Artist Poetry Looks Like (Ugh)

by Emma Cueto

Poetry has long been part of romance, and for good reason. But in a rather bizarre twist, pickup artists have taken to writing poetry online — but not about love, and not in an effort to woo the ladies. Rather, their words sing about their love of The Game, AKA the "art" of getting women. And, unsurprisingly, the poetry just doesn't have the same gravitas. Or, as We Hunted the Mammoth put it, "Holy crap, it's awful."

Pickup artists, or PUAs, as they're often known, are not the most savory group of guys on the best of days. It's well-known that their common purpose is convincing women to sleep with them, whether or not the woman in question is actually interested. There's a line between swapping clever openers or giving guys tips on how to be confident and treating women like prizes with no personal agency — a line that needs to be respected no matter what. In general, though, the online PUA community passed that line several miles back. Their forums are full of "lay reports," comments about how women are stupid, and tips for what to do when your "lay" is "shamefully ugly."

Plus, some PUAs are sleazy to the point of assault.

Given all this, it's a little surprising that PUAs would have an interest in poetry, which is supposed to be about deep, honest emotion. But it does make sense they're writing poetry about themselves, rather than about love. Most PUAs give off the impression that women are an obstacle to be overcome in order to get sex, not something to be appreciated as people you might actually like. So naturally, they're writing poems to the thing they really adore: The sleazy art of getting women into bed.

Predictably, these missives are not very moving. Here are a few examples.

1. The Poem That Started It All

Here's the example given by PUA bob2, who started this whole poetry thread on the forum; he noted that he's thinking of stating a PUA poetry blog because "poetry is tough and precise, it really gets the point across." Does his succeed?

Strive to be confidentand you're clutching at straws.being single-mindedthough,now that is real.a vulnerable calmsettles over you,a realnessyou become powerfulover time,your thinking changesand people, seeking to imitate youstrive not to fearNo! You retort;that is not the wayif you feel fear,embrace it!Walk boldly through it,with the powerafforded youby the allure of your goal.

Not exactly what I would call inspiring — delusional maybe, given that this guy apparently thinks being a PUA turns you into this badass guy people respect — but the other guys in the forum apparently found it compelling enough to follow his example.

2. This Strange Haiku

Written by someone calling themselves Chief, we have this little gem:

The ego must die When he turns the other cheek The boy becomes man

I am not sure what to make of this; I guess the point is that becoming a PUA supposedly makes you go from a boy to a man. And here I thought guys who act like women owe them something were the childish ones.

3. This Is Not How Meeting Someone In a Bar Works

I seriously doubt that the guy who penned this one, "Pickup Truck," has ever actually had a hookup go like this. I kind of doubt anyone has, ever. But I totally buy that for guys who hang out in Internet forums writing poetry about how much they love picking up women, this type of PUA fantasy is pretty common.

What have we here, There's potential for something special, shes delightful, But i'm caught up with fear, Why here? Of all places.... Why do I suddenly feel inadequate? And yet I know she wants me, she feels the same, I've noticed her eyes, She smiles, I should take action, instead of internally trying to comprimise, That's my prize; I deserve it, I've been here a thousand times before and learnt it, Her beauty is present, but her personality is transparent, She may be hot but what if she's also a bitch and unpleasant? The challenge excites me, the prospect excites her, She knows tonight's going to be different, Her daily routine will not be the same, I stroll over, Her heart races, she turns to jelly when I smile, Place my hand on her shoulder and ask "hey, whats your name?"

Thanks for constantly alluding to the idea that all women are shallow and stupid. That was very attractive. Also, bonus points for referring to a person as a "prize." How could any woman resist such a person?

There are plenty more examples on the forum, but I think we've all seen enough. Turns out, bob2 was right: Poetry really is great for getting the point across. And I think the point here is that guys who treat women like objects are shallow, fairly detached from reality, and have only a passing understanding of rhyme scheme.

In other words, it's just confirming what we all kind of suspected already — the guy hitting on you at the bar who won't take no for an answer and doesn't seem to understand that you don't have to talk to him? Yeah, he probably isn't deeper than he seems.