I know, I know. Your head is still pounding following a Saturday night full of drunken debauchery, and the very thought of reading and processing words on a computer screen is making you feel nauseous all over again. But put down that bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich you're clutching so dearly and stay with me for just a few more seconds, because I come bearing game-changing news: science is on the verge of creating a hangover-free beer. Yup, you heard me correctly — researchers in Australia believe they have come up with a brew that will nip that splitting headache right in the bud. That means no more Sunday mornings tucked away in total darkness because sunlight is a monster and might fry your already mushy brain. No more swearing to your roommate in between sips of coconut water that you will never. drink. again. Oh, science. You're the best.
So what's the secret behind this miracle potion? As reported by Stuff.co.nz., researchers from Queensland's Griffith University believe that adding electrolytes like sodium to beer will help drinkers retain water and stay better hydrated during their revelries — which is great, since dehydration is usually the culprit behind you feeling like a total zombie after a night of drinking.
Researchers handling the study note that so far, this electrolyte treatment is most successful in beers with low to mid-strength alcohol contents, which means fans of the heavier stuff may still have to wait a while for their miracle cure. But for those of us who don't mind sipping on lighter beers if it means fewer regrets the next morning, trials show that adding sodium is more effective than further reducing alcohol content — meaning your partying won't take a hit. And don't worry, pinot-lovers. There's a hangover-free bottle of wine with your name written all over it in the works, too.
Of course, there's that pesky old saying, "if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is," and while I don't want to be a total buzzkill, I do want us all to drink responsibly. It would be ridiculous to assume that you can spend an entire night drinking and not feel anything the following day — c'mon, we're not college freshmen anymore — so I wouldn't totally count on this being the end-all be-all hangover cure you've been dreaming about. And let's not forget, there are other risks that come from downing too many brewskis that have nothing to do with your hangover. So go ahead and have your fun, but don't think that because you have a pint pumped full of electrolytes, you're totally in the clear.
But enough lecturing from me. The universe has presented us with a gift, and it's important not to waste it. Because now that you aren't hungover, you can do anything — make the most of this precious time. Since you'll be fresh-faced and ready to go once the a.m. rolls around, here are all the things you can do during your hangover-free mornings:
1. Order a breakfast sandwich anyway
Because breakfast sandwiches are delicious, and they will put you in an amazing mood regardless of whether or not you're hungover. You shouldn't have to give up this luxury just because your head is no longer a throbbing mess.
2. Finally finish watching season three of House of Cards
Look, I get that Kevin Spacey is great and all, but every time I try to watch a full episode start to finish, I always fall asleep... usually because I'm hungover.
3. Call your parents
They will be mad impressed by their own parenting skills that they have created a human being who is capable of being alive and alert before 11 a.m. on a Sunday morning. No need to tell them the truth.
4. Go for a run
Just kidding running is miserable even when you aren't hungover.
5. Continue drinking
No really, guys. The next round is on me.
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