For a while there, I thought that Scandal was going to brush off the whole Michael-and-Cyrus storyline, but after a very long detour through a kidnapping and a shooting and a weird sex scandal, we’re back! There’s going to be a Scandal wedding, or as Mellie put it in the preview for this week’s episode, "a gay Republican wedding." Yay! For those of you who don’t remember (because, seriously, it was so long ago that this plotline was even a thing), Portia de Rossi’s Lizzie, the RNC Chair, hired gigolo Michael to seduce a post-James (RIP, sweet man) Cyrus and learn all of his secrets. But when the whole “the White House Chief of Staff is having gay sex in the White House” thing was on the verge of being exposed and ruining Fitz’s life, Olivia negotiated a fake press conference saying that Cyrus is actually in love with Michael and they’re getting hitched. While this was a brilliant move on Liv’s part, I’m guessing that it’s going to be a hard road to get these two down the aisle. With this cast of heavily unstable characters, a Scandal wedding is definitely not going to be an everyday occurrence. Here are some of the craziest things that could happen at Michael and Cyrus’ upcoming wedding.
Mellie Is So Unhappy She Wears Uggs
Cyrus and Mellie are two peas in a plotting pod. They both manipulated Fitz into the White House, and they both have heavier ambitions than Fitz ever did. Would Cyrus getting married (even if it is a fake marriage) mean that Mellie would have less time with Cyrus to hatch traitorous plots? Mellie will think so, and, reverting back to the days in which she was mourning Jerry and never put on anything but a robe, will wear her trusty Ugg boots with her cocktail dress in a move of not-so-silent protest. Smelly Mellie lives!
Someone Objects To The Wedding And Huck Tortures Him/Her
Whether or not Olivia actually wants this wedding to happen, it’s going to happen because she made it so. The team of Olivia Pope & Associates is here to help. When one of Michael’s relatives objects to his union with Cyrus during the ceremony (they still do that part, right?), Huck finds this relative in the bathroom and very minorly tortures him/her as punishment. Why? He is Liv’s puppy dog, and he’ll do anything to make sure that Liv is happy. If Cyrus and Michael get married, she will be happy.
Cyrus Doesn’t Show Up
Cyrus has had a really rough time of it over the past season or two, what with him destroying his marriage and then losing his husband to Jake Ballard’s silenced handgun. I’m thinking Cyrus might just scoop up his daughter (whom I assume he likes — he doesn’t spend a lot of time with her) and make a run for it, leaving Washington, D.C. and Fitz and all that nonsense behind. Of course, he’ll need someone to stand in the sun with, so Jake Ballard will come along for the required canoodling on a beach chair. Cyrus in paradise.
Someone Will Try To Kill Fitz
I mean, I don’t want this to happen, but doesn’t someone try to assassinate Fitz like, every single time there’s a big event? Fitz should probably just stay home, and not just because I hate his stupid presidential face.
James Isn’t Dead
Boom — shocker, I know. What if we just think Jake Ballard killed James, and really, he’s alive somewhere else, hiding in relative safety? If James showed up to his husband’s wedding to another man, I bet that would cause more than a ripple in Scandal-land.
In any case, I’m going to have my black-tie best on while watching this episode, along with the bathtub-sized bowl of popcorn and requisite chalice of wine. Congrats to the happy couple!
Images: Mitchell Haaseth/ABC; giphy (5)
