Why Is Glenn Beck Selling Jeans??

Today in "can't make this stuff up," Glenn Beck has released a line of women's denim. Feel free to facepalm for the rest of the day. This is not a drill. You may be asking yourself, for what reason is he doing this? It seems that he feels that it his civic duty to provide women with pants that give them their "God-given right" to "feel pretty." Also, money.

On Thursday, Beck announced via Facebook that his sportswear brand (this is actually a thing that has been going on for a while, believe it or not) would be releasing women's denim. His company, named 1791 Supply & Co. in a nod to the year the Bill of Rights was ratified (MERICA!!). As per the 1791 "our story" page, the brand has thus far been dedicated to preserving "the rugged individualism that made this country great" with their menswear line. They also sell axes. Oh, and beard oil.

But their latest foray is a far more noble quest: giving women the gift of clothes that allow them to satisfy arbitrary cultural beauty standards for profit. FUN! Jeans start at $150. How did it all start? In the lengthy Facebook post, Beck recounts a shopping trip with his daughter in which she couldn't find on-trend jeans that would fit her. He says:

But my trouble was not only that, mine stems from the fact that while growing up my daughter was a dress size SMALLER than America's most famous model and sex symbol Marilyn Monroe.

God forbid a designer makes anything cool that would fit her! Most American women are shaped like Norma Jean not the 12 year old boy shaped models covering the walls of the 'cool stores'.

Even when Glenn Beck is trying to decry sizeism, he's still trusty old misogynist Glenn Beck. The images of hyper-thin women in the fashion industry are coercive and problematic for women of every age. But trying to generalize about the bodies of "most women" is just as bad.

Saying that the jeans will fit "all the women his life," Beck thumps the supposed inclusivity and size diversity of his jeans. Also, he really wants you to know that his wife totes looks like one of those rail-thin models. He continues:

They were designed for and tested on all the girls in my life. It has taken us almost two years to get the design just right.

I am proud that finally I can rest knowing any dad who feels the way I do about the most beautiful girl ever born, my daughter, will be able to feel that way when she slips into her favorite jeans, blouse and jacket.

My wife who is a little more like the current runway models and my daughter who is more classic both can wear and love their new 1791s.

I kind of think it is one of those fundamental God given rights. To feel pretty.

OY, SO many eye rolls, man. All the eye rolls.

As it seems, Beck is selectively invoking the concept of fundamental (or, daresay, inalienable?) rights at his own convenience. He's also doing so in literally the most patronizing and mansplainy way ever. In his mind, lookin' cute is a fundamental right but choosing whether or not to keep a child isn't. Why? Cashing in on the arbitrary beauty standards imposed on women is a pretty profitable business. In short, lookin' cute will make him dollar bills. We see what you're trying to do, Glenn Beck. Furthermore, we see that you're trying really hard to be hip. It's not working.