April Expectations Vs. Reality — Because Seriously, It Is Not Warm Enough To Wear That Tank Top

When great American poet and noted meteorologist T.S. Eliot wrote that April is the cruelest month, he was surely talking about how the first full month of spring is always a total bait-and-switch when it comes to living up to our expectations. After a long, hard winter, it can be easy to idealize April, imagining it as some kind of springtime paradise, a promised land where the air is always room temperature, the shoes are all open-toed, and eating ice cream is required. But those high April hopes always deflate the second April actually rolls around and reveals its true chilly, water-logged, weaksauce self.

Because whether we're talking about allergies, spring cleaning plans, or the illusion that you will actually complete your taxes in a sane, calm, and reasonable fashion, April is all about disappointment. Which is good, in a way — disappointment builds character, and the disappointments of April also bring us together as a people: after a lonely winter of isolating ourselves in our homes, with only the warm crackle of our computer screens for company, we might be rusty on our conversation skills. April's bummers provide us with crucial fuel for complaining, which, as everyone knows, is the fastest way to begin a conversation, bond with others, and create lifelong friendships.

So really, we should actually be thanking April for being a total disappointment, right? Yeah, right. Maybe I'll give that a shot when I can wear a tank top outdoors without bursting into tears.

1. The Weather

Expectation:

Come April, the flowers will be blooming, the birds will be singing, and it'll be time to start enjoying the great outdoors again. The long winter has finally ended! Nothing but smooth, 60+ degree sailing from here on out. You know, I think I'll actually plan a barbecue this weekend, to make sure I really take advantage of spring this year.

Reality:

I will not let the 40 degree weather or the constant, misty rain, ruin my barbecue (even though I'm cold, the grill won't stay lit, and everyone else is just inside, eating pizza and watching House Hunters). At least the grim, leafless trees in my backyard are keeping me company!

2. Wardrobe

Expectation:

Time to bust out my sandals, tank tops, and sundresses, and prance merrily through the springtime streets, like an actress in a yogurt commercial!

Reality:

I don't care if the forecast said "High of 45, frequent showers," it has said that EVERY DAY THIS WEEK, and I am going to wear these sandals today or I will die trying.

3. Easter, Passover, And Other Family Holidays

Expectation:

I haven't seen my family since December! It's going to be so nice to see them and get fed.

Reality:

I forgot that I had been avoiding my family all winter because my parents keep asking me when I'm going to have a baby, and my brother wants me to donate to the Kickstarter for his omelet delivery service. If anyone needs me, I am going to be in the kitchen, drinking vodka out of a Diet Coke can.

4. Doing Your Taxes

Expectation:

I am going to have my taxes done so far in advance that I'm going to be out enjoying my refund while all the foolios around me are scurrying to get their taxes finished.

Reality:

Where did I put all my receipts? Where did I put all my invoices?? Can I deduct this Full House memorabilia I bought on on eBay while I was drunk? It's okay, it's okay, I still have ... five more hours to figure this out before my taxes are due. I'm fine. It's fine. I'm FINE.

5. Allergy Season

Expectation:

With last spring's allergies only a faint, sad memory, I assume that my allergies can't be that bad. Why, I bet that I can power through them with the help of allergy pills, proper hydration, and a positive mental attitude.

Reality:

This can't just be allergies, because I am clearly dying. I am on my death bed, right here, and no amount of allergy pills can help me. Please, pick out a flattering dress for my funeral and get Anne Hathaway to play me when they make a movie about my brave life and tragic demise.

6. Exercising

Expectation:

I wasn't working out all winter just because I just hate working out indoors. Now that I can go outside again, I'm sure I'll be at that picturesque riverside jogging path at 5 a.m., power-walking with all the other healthy young go-getters.

Reality:

You're not going to believe this, but working out outside is actually ALSO horrible. Pollen irritates your eyes, the healthy young go-getters keep cutting me off on the picturesque riverside jogging path, and sometimes a stray piece of trash blows directly into your mouth.

7. Your Social Life

Expectation:

All my friends and I are finally going to shake off our winter doldrums, really start going out regularly again, and broaden our social circle. Spring is a time to make new friends! Maybe we'll join a pub trivia team! Anything is possible.

Reality:

All my friends and I are finally going to start meeting up to eat fried things, now that we have shaken off the delusion that we would like to make new friends. Seamless, anyone?

8. Dating

Expectation:

I was hibernating emotionally during the winter, but now that the air is warm and the days are longer, I'm ready to emotionally commit (or at least actually go on a date). Time to reactivate my Tinder and OkCupid accounts, and get out there!

Reality:

Well, I got to the "reactivating my accounts" part. Maybe I'll go actually use them to set up some dates later on ... you know, when it's warmer, and I don't have to wear so many layers.

9. Spring Cleaning

Expectation:

Reorganize the closet! Repaint the bathroom! Find out what "baseboards" are and then dust them!

Reality:

Eh, why don't I just push everything behind this throw rug and I'll get around to cleaning it later on ... you know, when it's warmer, and I don't have to wear so many layers.

10. Spring In General

Expectation:

The end of winter is glorious, a great seasonal respite before summer takes us within its sweaty grasp.

Reality:

Does spring even exist anymore? Or is it an urban myth? Have any of us even seen this so-called "season"? Or did we just hear about it from friends of friends — the same friend who totally knew someone who got murdered at Makeout Creek by a guy with a hook for a hand? I'll believe spring when I see spring, man.

Dan Vallancourt on YouTube

Images: Talita Neres/Flickr; Giphy (11)