12 Reasons You Need This Giant Rand Paul Birthday Card In Your Life Right Now
Now that Rand Paul has officially joined the 2016 presidential race, die-hard fans can pull out all the stops to show their support. The Republican hopeful knows that your campaign is only as good as the memorabilia that comes out of it, and judging by the eclectic offerings in Rand Paul's online shop, the Kentucky senator is going to have one hell of a campaign. I'd like to personally thank the deep-pocketed donor who underwrote one particular item, however — the giant Rand Paul birthday card. Whether or not you're a Paul supporter, a politically minded individual, or even of voting age, you really need one of these.
Sure, you can go the conventional route and cover your car with bumper stickers, maybe Instagram your new t-shirt, or even don a rubber mask of your favorite candidate, but that's so Mitt Romney circa 2008. This is 2015, people. It's time to step up your support game. Paul has made the task easy for his voters, offering a vast array of quality goods on his website, from a Rand Paul eye chart to Rand on a Stick and even Rand Paul flip-flops. But one item really takes the cake for being the item that truly says, "I stand with Rand!" It's the giant Rand Paul birthday card, whose description says:
Enough said, really. But if you need more convincing, here are 12 reasons why you need the giant Rand Paul birthday card in your life.
At 3 Feet Tall, It's Almost The Same Size As Rand Himself
According to the International Business Times, Paul is 5'8", which is more than two inches shorter than the average white American male. But what he lacks in stature he makes up for with birthday greetings.
You Can Use It As A Tent For Your Pet
Because your dog or cat is likely a constitutional conservative anyway.
It's Perfect For A Group Gift
The massive card can probably fit the signature of every single person from Kentucky.
It Can Double As A Life-Size Cutout
Judging from the picture, it looks like the photo of Rand Paul on the card is the same size and proportions as a real-life human — perfect for those really avid supporters who'd like to pretend slow-dancing with their candidate.
It Can Double As A Campaign Sign
The message in his word bubble can become yet another slogan: "I'm Rand Paul and there's one thing I have to say to you..." Except, you know, complete it with something other than "may your birthday be the best ever!"
You Can Use It As A Prop
Need a Halloween costume? Just lug this thing around with you to parties and say you're a shrunken libertarian. (No, that's not a thing, but you can make it one.)
It Can Provide Shade On A Hot Sunny Day
Sitting outside and can't find any shady spots? No problem. Just prop the giant Rand Paul card on its side and take a nice leisurely nap underneath it.
You Can Turn It Into A Giant Paper Airplane
Or turn it into an origami bird with Rand's face on it.
It Comes With An Equally Massive Envelope
Whether or not you agree with his political views, we can all agree with this attention to detail.
Your Recipient's Expression Will Be Priceless
Sure, it may be a bit steep at $35 before shipping, but the look on your friend's face when you give them the giant Rand Paul birthday card will be invaluable.
You Can Use It To Fend Off Ted Cruz Supporters At The RNC
The giant Rand Paul birthday card makes the perfect weapon against giant copies of Green Eggs and Ham.