Life

Can Hillary Clinton Announce Her Campaign Already?

by Eliza Castile

April 12, 2015

Patrick Smith/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Unless you've been lost at sea for the past few months and are just now returning to civilization, you've probably heard that Hillary Clinton is expected to officially announce her campaign for the 2016 presidential election. Technically, she kinda-sorta announced it on SNL earlier this week, but we will not be appeased by a surprisingly cute and funny skit about Hillary Clinton running for both President and Vice President in 2016. She has been teasing us for too long, people. I demand an official announcement. OK, it's not actually that big a deal. But I have a long and storied history as a giant Hillary Clinton fangirl; my mom still talks about the time I made her a "birthday card" that was really a Venn diagram comparing her and Hillary Clinton when I was 12. No, I'm not making that up for the sake of this article, and yes, I am and always have been that nerdy. (#sorrynotsorry.) You can imagine my pain, then, when I woke up this morning to find that Clinton has yet to announce her campaign. I am dying here. I have no other recourse than to share my pain with you all, because surely there's someone out there that is going through these stages with me as we wait for her official announcement. Anyone? Please?

1. Joy. Pure joy.

THANK GOD. You knew she was probably going to run again, but what if she decided she's too old? What if all the stupid sexism in politics made her decide to run off and become a yoga teacher somewhere? She had you worried there for a while.

2. More joy.

Are you way too invested in the political campaign of someone you'll never meet? Probably. But she's our childhood hero, dammit, and we're allowed to be way too invested if we want to be.

3. Settling in.

Much like waiting for the new Game of Thrones season premiere, you sit back and try not to think about the event. If you do, you'll go crazy with anticipation. Unfortunately, that doesn't last long, leading to the next stage.

4. Casually reading up about it online.

It starts out as just checking in. You know, to see if she's announced anything... important yet. Can't imagine what that would be.

5. Obsessively Googling everything you can find.

It started out innocently, but suddenly you're reading everything you can find, up to and including articles about her failed 2008 bid for the Democratic nomination. You just wanted to relive those early happy days, and now you've depressed yourself thinking about the bitter end. Luckily, you can turn to...

6. Reading not-so-balanced political blogs in Clinton's favor.

You just want to make yourself feel better about her chances, OK?

7. Tearing yourself away from the internet.

This lasts maybe 45 seconds at the most, to be honest. At least you tried.

8. Determinedly ignoring the time crawling by.

It is PAST NOON, Mrs. Clinton! What are you doing?!

9. Back to Googling.

You want to make sure you're adequately prepared to smack down any Clinton haters on Facebook. Speaking of which...

10. Getting on Facebook to smack down the haters.

You're not proud, but what, are you supposed to ignore it when your cousin Jeff posts some shitty Fox News article? I think not.

11. Distracting yourself again.

I guess it's time to watch Daredevil like your friends have been telling you to...

12. Refreshing CNN over and over in a background tab.

OK, Daredevil is actually pretty awesome, but there's no way you're missing Clinton's announcement because you were distracted by Charlie Cox's magnificent abs. And cheekbones. And — dammit, Charlie!