Amy Poehler Is Making Us Choose Between Her and Cats, and That's Not Okay
Today, Friday, Oct. 25 is a dark day indeed. Because it's the day that we face the most difficult decision of our lives. A decision that will no doubt haunt us and make us enemies. No matter which decision we make, we will live a life of loneliness and unhappiness, forced to dim a bright light in our lives. What decision will you have to make, you ask? Why, it's the Sophie's Choice of all things adorable: Amy Poehler or cats?
Before this day, Oct. 25, Poehler and cats lived in harmony, each filling up our Twitter and Facebook feeds while filling up our hearts. We laughed at both, we cooed at both, we watched both for hours — one during a Parks and Recreation marathon, and one during an epic chase of a mysterious white light also known as your watch's reflection. In fact, Poehler and cats are so alike, it seemed impossible that they wouldn't get along as swimmingly as two goldfish (being watched by a hungry cat).
But today, Oct. 25, all that changed. We're forced to make the ultimate decision, after the former SNL star appeared on Ellen Thursday and revealed the most depressing thing to come out of her mouth since, "I'm divorcing Will Arnett": "Is that bad to say, [that] dogs are better than cats? Because they are."
Elaborated the artist also known as Leslie Knope:
I love all animals and believe that they should be treated with respect and kind-loving care, but I don't trust animals that you can't find when you get home ... I feel like cats and I have mutual respect for each other, but we're not big fans of each other's work.
Which leads us to say:
Because how do we cope with this news? We love cats, but we can't love a human who doesn't love adorable cats, but we can't love an animal who makes an adorable human hate it. So it's true: We can no longer love Poehler and cats. We have to choose. Who will win our heart?
Round 1: Adorableness
That wicked grin, that biting laugh, the fact that she has a ginger son twice as button-nose cute as she is — there's little doubt Poehler is adorable. How could you not love this face?
How could you not love this face?! Also, bonus points for actually being able to snuggle with you. Sorry, your dreams about pajama parties with Poehler don't count.
Round 1 Winner: Cats
Round 2: Independence
The comedienne and feminist has made all of us ladies look good — not only has she proven herself to be strong in an industry that's typically unfriendly to women, but she's also made sure women of future generations realize their potential with her web series, Smart Girls at the Party .
You can leave them alone for a weekend, and they'll leave you alone (until the deadline for that important report approaches and forces you to work on your warm, inviting bed of a computer). Cats are all about independence. Still, the best thing my feline ever did for women (translation: me) was not vomit on the sofa today.
Round 2 Winner: Poehler
Round 3: Hilarity
There is no one funnier in the biz. We've been laughing with her since she aced Weekend Update, danced while extremely pregnant, and got us to get on our feet, cheering for her Emmy nominated turn as Parks and Recreation 's Leslie Knope. Do you really think anything is more hysterical than Poehler? REALLY?
Round 3 Winner: Cats
Round 4: Being an Asshole
When the Parks and Recreation actress hosted the 2013 Golden Globes alongside Tina Fey, Poehler warned attendee/perennial dater Taylor Swift to "stay away from Michael J. Fox's son," otherwise known as this year's Mr. Golden Globe. Swift, in turn, took offense at the insult, telling Vanity Fair "there's a special place in hell" for women who mock other women. Poehler's response? "Aw, I feel bad if she was upset. I am a feminist, and she is a young and talented girl. That being said, I do agree I am going to hell. But for other reasons. Mostly boring tax stuff." Seems being an asshole is one of Poehler's weaknesses after all.
Round 4 Winner: Cats. Or Poehler? I can't tell. This one's a draw.
Round 5: Friends
The comedienne is armed with the entire cast of Parks and Recreation, the entire cast of Saturday Night Live, and She God of the Snuggie Tina Fey. Plus, she's open to being buds with someone "who not only can work it but twerk it," and that includes you!
That string from your blanket, that bottle cap from a Corona you had last summer, and that invisible thing on the floor that is just asking your cat to fight with it. But definitely not any toy friend you purchased for them, and definitely not you.
Round 5 Winner: Poehler
Round 6: Is a Cat
Is not a cat.
Is a cat.
Round 5 Winner: Cats
Overall Winner: Cats, but it was a close one. Sorry, Poehler — we just can't quit those fluffy little assholes. Or you can just follow Ellen DeGeneres' advice and "Don't judge all cats," so we can all be one happy Waffle-eating, dust bunny-attacking family. Come on, Poehler, don't judge cats!
Image: Smart Girls at the Party