Why Online Dating For Women Can Suck

by Emma Cueto

For years, women have been complaining about the hazards of being female while online dating — the clear creeps, the unsolicited dick pics, the guys who seem nice but then don't know how to listen when you say you're not interested. And to see if all that was true, one dude pretending to be a woman on the messaging app Kik and then wrote about the experience on Reddit under the screen name ComfyRug. And, shockingly: Women have been telling the truth this whole time. Gasp!

Honestly, one of my biggest pet peeves (along with "empowering" advertisements and anyone who doesn't use Oxford commas) is people who feel the need to temporarily take on another identity — usually involving a type of oppression they don't experience themselves — and then marvel at the experience. I'm just kind of curious as to the thought process behind the decision to do so. Is it something like, "These people say that being X type of person involves Y unpleasant thing. But now that I have pretended to be X type of person for a limited time, I can say for sure that it does indeed involve Y unpleasant thing!"? If yes, you could have saved yourself the time by just, you know, believing people when they tell you that this is their normal life, not a social experiment.

But regardless, women are clearly emotional, hysterical, irrational creatures (except that they're not), so sometimes it's helpful to have guys backing up what we say. Maybe then it will penetrate the heads of the more calcified sexists out there.

So, take note, men of the world! One of your own is here to tell you what it is like to be a woman while dating online! And guess what? It isn't fun. The full Reddit post is long, but here are five key points — as well as some suggestions for how to potentially alter your online dating behavior accordingly.

1. Dick Pics. They Are Excessive.

Guys love their dicks and ... need you to look at them

Predictably, this guy got a lot of dick pics. Apparently one gentleman was even kind enough to send three, each one of a different penis. Why? Does it matter?

The thing about dick pics is that unless you're actually interested in getting one, they aren't sexy. They're creepy. Would you show me your junk in real life if I hadn't asked to see it? No? Then don't show me over the Internet. I'm saying don't ever send photos of your genitalia; just consider asking someone if they want one before you do. It's better for everyone.

2. Being "Popular" is Overrated

I wasn't popular in school, nor was I bottom row. But today has taught me what being popular means and, honestly, it rocked. I felt like everybody wanted to hang out with me, that saying they knew me was some sort of achievement. I had never had that before and got sucked in but then you realise [sic] why they're nice to you and it sorta breaks the magic. ... I knew that every person that messaged me had one purpose and it was soul destroying. I was no longer a person.

It drives me crazy when people act like being an attractive girl makes life super easy and happy and fun all the time — because it's often not true. Rather, it makes people want to be around you for all the wrong reasons. It doesn't mean you have any friends.

So guys, try to keep this in mind: That hot girl you're talking to? She is a person. Like, inside her head, she is having independent thoughts and emotions. Weird, right? Except not. So maybe try talking to her like a person, not like an object.

3. Creepy Guys Don't Quit

[One guy] said it was my fault that guys were sending me dick pics (more on that in a second) and was being very chauvinistic. I told him I don't want to talk to him because we have differing opinions but he kept coming back asking me if I've ever been with a girl and if they're "more tender" than guys and asking my bra size and if I've done anal. I'd say "please stop talking to me," he'd stop for five minutes then chime in with "whats the biggest dick you've been with?".

This? This is creepy. And while this guys is creepier than anyone I've had to deal with in the digital dating game, the same point stands: Any time a guy doesn't understand when you say you're not interested, it is at best annoying, and at worst downright scary.

So men, please, for the love of God, learn that when a girl says "No thanks!" to respect that. We actually are speaking English, not a bizarre code language, I promise.

4. The "Friendzone" Is Nothing Compared to the Girlfriendzone

I discovered the other side of the "friend zone." I was the girl with the guy friend who wanted to date her and boo hoo, the guy really wants to date the girl but she's just interested in being friends and it's such a shame for the guy. ... I wasn't flirty. I was me, just under the guise of being female. I talked about the football team I supported (come on you Barca), the games I liked, the shows I watched. I wasn't winking going "will you be the Jamie to my Cercei, giggle" but the topic of sex always came up and it was always unavoidable.

Sometimes people you like don't like you back. That sucks, but implying that they somehow owe you or that you deserve their romantic interest is frankly immature and bizarre. (Not to mention a super disrespectful way to view someone you claim is your friend.) On the other hand, you do have a basic social obligation to other people to be baseline appropriate. Springing sex into the conversation out of nowhere (which happens, sadly, all the time), is ridiculous the first time it happens. The twelfth time, it's exhausting.

So guys if you're interested in a girl and the conversation is going well, maybe say something like "You're great. Want to meet up in person sometime?" rather than following up a comment about sports with "So sex? ;)" Just a thought.

5. Just Believe Women When We Tell you This Stuff

I started this to prove to myself that it's not as bad as it seems. I was wrong.

Like I said at the beginning, we really aren't making this stuff up. And there is now a several thousand word essay on Reddit from a guy who tried this for one day about how gross and unhappy these kinds of behaviors can make a person feel. And hey, what do you know: women are people. So you don't have to follow in his footsteps to just go ahead and believe that we don't like it when you act like this.

So from now on, maybe just trust us, OK?

You can read the full post from ComfyRug here.

Image: Fotolia