Some Water Bottles Marco Rubio Definitely Needs On His 2016 Campaign Trail
It can get hot and tiring on that campaign trail, so candidates better stay hydrated. Nobody knows the importance of hydration more than Republican Senator Marco Rubio, who joined the 2016 presidential race on Monday. To make sure that Rubio never gets thirsty or dry mouth during his campaign — nothing kills the momentum of a caucus speech like taking a water break — we're offering some suggestions for the senator to bring with him on his campaign bus. Yes, they're exactly what you're thinking: giant water bottles.
If you don't know where you've heard that name before, let me jog your memory. Most likely, you first heard about Rubio in 2013, when he delivered a response to President Obama's State of the Union address. During his taped response, Rubio paused to drink from a bottle of water, forever branding him as "that water bottle guy."
Nobody will ever know why he couldn't make it through his 14-minute speech without taking a swig of water. Perhaps he's not used to speaking in front of a camera for that long, or maybe he had just eaten an entire plate of fries right before his response. Either way, it was way awkward. He literally paused mid-sentence to take a sip from a tiny Poland Springs bottle and then continued as if nothing had happened. It was a total speech buzzkill.
Well, to ensure that this never happens again — especially now that Rubio's every word will be scrutinized and will contribute to or against his chances at the primary — we're going to help the Florida senator out. First of all, he was doing it all wrong with that teeny-tiny mini bottle. Think of all the speeches you'll have to give, all the toasts you'll have to make at fundraisers ... Marco Rubio, you're going to need a big-ass water bottle. Luckily, we've got you covered.
Here are seven giant water bottles Marco Rubio needs to take on his campaign trail if he wants a shot at winning the primary. (If you think these are silly, they're still not as silly as Rand Paul's giant birthday card.)
This giant Athena bottle says "Victory Starts Here," which means it could double as a campaign sign. In fact, Rubio's campaign signs should all be water-bottle-shaped.
Rubio could take the opportunity to convey a socially important message with his giant water bottle: Recycle!
Rubio doesn't have to restrict himself to water. Many experts agree that Gatorade is even better for rehydrating because it contains electrolytes. Rubio can also lug this giant Gatorade with him at campaign stops.
Or Rubio can go all out and set up one of these misting tents, which he can run through periodically when he gets thirsty or hot. It would also make for one hell of an entrance to come bursting out of one of these, no?
What's more convenient than a giant water bottle with a spigot? This is essentially Marco Rubio's best friend.
Alternatively, if he doesn't feel like lugging a humongous water bottle around, Rubio can tour the country in a Poland Spring truck. He'll have to drink himself a corner to sit, of course, but we're confident he'll be thirsty enough to make plenty of room.
And to reward all his hard work, Rubio deserves to kick back with a giant bottle of Budweiser once in a while.