Now here’s something you don’t read every day: An eight-inch, 18th-century dildo was found in an ancient toilet in Poland. The dildo, with a leather shaft and balls and a wooden head, is estimated to be about 250 years old and, to quote one of the archaeologists, “is quite thick and rather large… in excellent condition. It was probably dropped by someone in the toilet.” It’s these types of discoveries that make you realize it’s going to be a good day.
The archaeological dig not only turned up this one hell of a find, but before the eight inches of fun was discovered, several swords had been found as well, which is why the archaeologists are thinking is was a school of swordsmanship. As to why the dildo was in the toilet is anyone’s guess, although I’d like to think it was a grave mistake. I mean, who’s going to throw away such a gem? Especially one of such craftsmanship that would put any modern day dildo to shame? The thing was filled with bristles! You just can’t find that quality of sex toy anymore!
Of course this isn’t the first sex toy to be discovered amongst the ruins of our human history. Dildos have long been used for sexual pleasure, as well as a symbol of fertility and to ward off any evil spirits that might be in the area. Because, as we all know, nothing keeps monsters and villains away quite like a huge, angry dildo in the window or on the front porch.
But when it comes to the oldest known sex toy that honor goes to Germany where a 28,000-year-old dildo was found in the Hohle Fels cave. That toy was also eight inches long, but was made of polished stone. Along with wood, leather, and stone, another common material used to make phalluses back in the olden days was camel dung. Yes, camel dung… as in camel poop. Poop. People would put poop in their vagina or ass. Poop. I’m really hoping there was some sort of protective covering on that particular dildo model, because I can’t imagine any sort of excrement would be a good idea for a vagina. Makes you damn happy that silicone was invented, huh?
As for the dildo that was more recently found, it is now in the safe hands of those who will work to preserve it and keep it in tact. Considering the fact that it managed to survive over 200 years in a toilet, it deserves to be studied for that reason alone. I seriously doubt the sex toys of today could last even half that long, so maybe it’s time we go back to leather and bristles. But not camel dung; never camel dung again. That substance is better left in the past.
Images: Regional Office for the Protection of Monuments/Facebook; Giphy(2)
