A 'Star Wars' Newbie Breaks Down The Trailer

Confession time: I've never seen Star Wars. Well, okay — that's not entirely true. I have seen exactly one Star Wars film, roughly eight years ago. At the time, I had no idea which Star Wars film I had actually watched, but because I did get the Princess Leia "gold bikini" reference from that episode of Friends where Ross explains his greatest sexual fantasy, I was told that I had watched Return Of The Jedi. I also learned that my experience was not particularly helpful when it came to understanding the hype of the new Star Wars film. Star Wars: Episode VII — The Force Awakens released a new trailer Thursday, and as a pop culture junkie I just had to watch it. Unfortunately, considering I've never seen Star Wars, I'm not sure I understood it.

That's not to say I'm not trying my absolute best. Frankly, Star Wars seems pretty freakin' awesome. I like adventure! I like space! And I sure as heck like the chemistry between Hans Solo and Princess Leia. I'll eventually check out the entire franchise, but until then, here are my observations of the Star Wars trailer, based on my extremely limited knowledge of Star Wars.

Camera Pans Are IMPORTANT

Every action movie is going the way of Interstellar now.

This Is A Thing I Know!

Darth Vadar. Totally on the ball with this one. I got this, you guys.

This Guy Is From Disneyland

He shows up on Star Tours, the only ride to make me nauseous every single time I ride it.

Robots Are Extremely Helpful

The Siri of the future will bring you things instead of not recognizing any of your friend's names.

Whatever Planet This Is, It's Super Pretty

When Earth collapses under the weight of its own population, let's all move here.

It's Basically Top Gun

Need for speed, and all that.

It's A War Movie

The title makes a lot more sense.

These Guys Aren't Robots...?

Wow. Wow I was wrong about that.

The Space Looks SO REAL

I'm really impressed by the space, you guys.

This Actress Looks Familiar

And the film's IMDb page is wildly unhelpful in identifying her.

I Will Absolutely Pay To See This In 3D

No shame in that game.

HANS SOLO AND CHEWBACCA ARE HERE

Even I know who these guys are.

This Will Be The Biggest Deal Ever

And maybe I should catch up with the franchise already. Fiiiiine.

Watch the full trailer here:

Images: Star Wars/YouTube (13)