Ginger Spice's New Video is Wonderfully Weird

by Kristie Rohwedder

Just when we thought the pop music of 2013 reached its peak, Geri Halliwell elevated the game. Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus, Katy Perry, and Lady Gaga must bow down to the majesty that is the music video for "Half Of Me." The former Spice Girl's latest video made it onto the Internet today, and it is BONKERS. I need to see the storyboards. Oh, to be a fly on the wall during that pitch meeting: "OKAY, Ginger Spice will dance with a bunch of strangers in a white room, they'll all take turns sniffing one another, then we'll put some people in animal costumes, and oh yeah, let's throw a few kids into the mix. The whole shebang will cost five dollars."

Take note, fellow pop stars. This is how you do music videos.

Ginger Spice was always my favorite Spice Girl, so I will never not support her solo career. To answer your question: yes, I am already obsessed with this vid and I have contributed to two thirds of the YouTube plays. Check it out and get on my level. Here are the most fabulously wackadoo moments of the "Half Of Me" music video:

0:01-0:15: A trumpet sounds to summon the music video people! Who are all of these people? We'll find out soon enough.

0:25: "I gave you the finger/you took me to dinner/'cuz you made me laugh." Strange chain of events, but modern romance is what it is.

0:32: We're introduced to two bare-chested young gentlemen. They stare at Ginger Spice while she sings. She looks from side to side. Her reaction is a mix of "how did I get here?" and "hubba hubba we're in trubba!"

0:40: Two more shirtless men (one not-so-young man in suspenders and one who actually might be from the earlier scene?) start to touch her back. She seems unfazed.

0:46: All of the randoms from the video's opening shot are now doing specific hand gestures to "I thought love was bullshit." I don't know if they're doing the actual sign for "bullshit," but I do know that the colloquial version is making bull horns with one hand and opening and closing your other hand. Get it? The bull is pooping.

0:53: It's time to dance with a person in a lion costume. This happens quite a bit throughout the video. Not entirely sure why this happens (nevertheless, I will point all ten fingers at "We Can't Stop"), but I don't hate it.

0:57: It's time to jump around with some kids. This also happens quite a bit. I also don't hate it. It's adorable.

1:05: We see a series of trios singing along with the song. They're all cute and silly, BUT! Do groups of three really work with a song about halves? I don't know how math works.

1:13: THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART. A man in a hat with a ukelele quickly grapevines across the screen. A little girl twirls like a helicopter in the background. There are three people in animal costumes. Oh, just a day in the life.

1:17: Ginger Spice is bumpin' & grindin' on a dog, a bear, and a lion. The bear has its head down but it is waving its hands in the air like it does not care because it is a bear. POETRY.

1:21: As she croons "Wanna have your baby/gonna love you like crazy," Ginger Spice literally winks and pelvic thrusts toward the camera. Oops, this is my true favorite part.

1:37: After we pan across the bear bouncing around happily to Ginger energetically singing, we pan over to a cowboy-type who is barely lip syncing/staring down the camera. His non-thusiasm is inspiring.

2:13: Ginger Spice doing her weirdest club moves with her pint-sized friends. Like you do.

2:14: Cut to: Ginger Spice giving us a sexy over-the-shoulder look. Ugh, she's such a divine beauty.

2:33: Why's that guy running with his arms out like a Scooby Doo character? We'll never know.

2:35: While guy on the left checks out guy in the middle's hair, grandpa on the right hits us with a giant yawn. How can you yawn at a time like this? This music video is madness!

2:37: Bro hits that note, throws his arms out, lip syncs to the heavens, and is admired by the bear and the dog.

2:41: Suspenders shirtless man and other shirtless man sniff Ginger Spice's hair. She never blinks.

2:42: The lady with red pigtails now has balloons. Party time has officially commenced!

3:02: Ginger Spice stares directly into the camera as she puts the ukelele man's hat back on his head. Her eyes say, "I could take this man's hat if I wanted, but I won't. May you never forget what I'm capable of."

3:15: Ginger Spice is rescued (???) from the trio of animal costumes by a man in a spacesuit/jumpsuit/onesie and she smiles. Is he the other half of her?

3:17: The bear just stands there with its head in its paws, and then folds over at the waist. The dog almost removes its mask. The lion gestures at the dog aggressively. Apparently, there is a feud a-brewing between the dog and the lion. Perhaps the lion blames the dog for letting Geri get away? All they wanted to do was dance for forever! Now she's gone! How will they dance for forever without Ginger Spice?!?