How To Make The Perfect Lasagna Because You Haven't Been Living Your Best Life Until Now — VIDEO
Lasagna isn't what I'd call a sexy food. Ground beef and cheese are pretty heavy ingredients. I mean, as much as I like warm ricotta, it doesn't exactly put me in the mood, and when I'm in hot pursuit for the perfect lasagna recipe, it's rarely because I have a hot date. (Probably because I rarely have hot dates, but whatever.) The point is, Matty Matheson has, unsurprisingly, brought us a video on how to make lasagna the right way that is 100% libido approved. (Kinda never thought I'd use the phrase "libido approved" while describing anything, let alone lasagna, so thanks, internet.)
So what sets this lasagna apart from the rest? First, you're encouraged to have conversations with yourself while making it. Second, the "vegetables" you'll be using are carrots, garlic, cloves and parsley. Don't worry guys, the parsley makes the whole thing healthy, I think. It's not too tomatoey or too soupy, because that's bullsh*t. (His words, not mine, but he ain't wrong.)
Matty's pretty sure it's a traditional lasagna, but like, he's never actually had an Italian make him lasagna. But this is the way Italians SHOULD make their lasagna. He's pretty convincing, because his Italian accent is top notch.
Here's Matty helping you grow a foundation into your perfect lasagna world:
If you're trying to get laid, or just trying to make a great lasagna, I highly recommend Matty's instructional video. Be warned, he does use some pretty out there jargon. So for those of you who aren't familiar with these videos, I made you an urban dictionary for this video:
Lasagna stuff (adj, n): Well-measured lasagna ingredients
Meat sludge (n,n): The proper consistency for bolognese sauce.
Conversations with yourself (phrase): The practice of talking to yourself while executing a specific recipe in the kitchen. You should ask yourself, "How are ya?" among other questions.
Confit (n, v): The thing your vegetables might kinda do. It's not related to cooking duck or goose in this instance.
Rich body (phrase): What carrots give a sauce. Not related to wine.
Soupy ass bullish*t (colloquial phrase): What happens if you cut the lasagna too soon after taking it out of the oven.
Best version of food (phrase): Something you can only get with Matty Matheson.
World wide beef (phrase): A play off world wide web (maybe) that is also an appropriate exclamation to use when your beef browns.
Pepperoncini (n): A type of Tuscan pepper I'd never heard of before today.
Stand back (action): What you say to no one when you're cooking alone and it's getting crazy in the kitchen.
Brown (n, adj): What the color of your meat sauce should be. It should never be red.
Boil it down, reduce (phrase): The circle of life, as told by lasagna.
Emulsify (v): What you do to the egg yolks when you put them in the meat sauce.
The ultimate (n, adj): The most holy act of layering the lasagna.
Top Chef Canada (show): A show that's less good than Keep It Canada, according to Matty Matheson.
You can find Matty Matheson on Munchies, Vice's food channel. He's the star of Keep It Canada and he makes a mean Bathtub Cheeto Mac 'n' Cheese, according to this video: