7 Crimes Tom Hiddleston Has Committed Against Fans, Like Refusing To Be Married To All Of Us At Once

I've stayed quiet about this for a long time now, but, with the release date of The Avengers: Age of Ultron rapidly approaching, it's time for me to make myself heard about an issue that the rest of America is ignoring — Tom Hiddleston is a criminal, in particular against his fans. No no, you sit down and stop shaking your fists at me, because I'm right and I deserve to be heard out. I know we're all enamored with him because of those cheekbones and that hair and that smile and that accent and that dancing and that talent and OH MY GOD IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN. He's such a charming little thief of hearts that even, when I was trying to tell you the reasons you shouldn't love him, I got carried away listening the reasons you should. It was like a crush blackout. So let me buckle down on this, because I need to get through it. People need to know the dark side of the man they worship.

Underneath that dapper, dimpled exterior (careful Alexis), lies a ruthless criminal who has already perpetrated so many horrific acts against his fans that it's a wonder we all remain so enamored. Most of us haven't realized how horrible his horrible crimes are, so it can be hard to imagine that he's such a... well, a psychopath. But I promise you it's there, lurking right behind his sparkling eyes and unblemished skin. Oh man. I'm not doing too well at this.

I might as well just jump right into the seven crimes I've collected for you, to prove how badly Hiddleston treats his fans. (Warning: most of these crimes are made up, but they still hurt all the same.)

First Crime: When He Refused To Put More Shirtless Scenes In His Films

It's like, what would possess you to do something like this?

Second Crime: When He Never Once Asked Me How I'm Doing

I can't even.

Third Crime: When He Refused To Pay The Medical Bills For Anyone Whom His Smile Has Dazzled

What are we, made of money? You're wreaking havoc, my man.

Fourth Crime: When He Refused To Ask All Of Us To Marry Him

When can I change my Facebook status to "Married to Tom Hiddleston" without getting sued or institutionalized? WHEN?

Fifth Crime: When He Stole Our Hearts And Never Gave Them Back

Now people keep calling me heartless, and it's all his fault.

Sixth Crime: Any Time He Posed With A Child

MY EYES CAN'T HANDLE THE CUTE. And did he pay for my eye doctor bills? No.

Seventh Crime: When He Helped An Old Woman Cross The Street, But Then Refused To Marry Her Even Though She Called Him A Nice Boy

I mean, what more do you want dude?

Images: Giphy (7)