So here's something mildly hilarious to brighten up your Monday: Titses boob-shaped chocolate bars are a thing. Well, actually, technically they're not a thing yet — they're just a concept design — but my point is that they could be a thing. Soon. Because why the heck not?
The concept design for Titses is the creation of designers Constantin Bolimond and Maksim Ali. It's actually not new — the boob-tastic chocolate bars first hit Behance back in 2012 — but the whole thing is currently making the rounds again, so maybe it's worth another look. To be fair, the design is pretty neat: The label is nicely minimalist, and the bar inside looks like it means business. Each bar seems to consist of 12 pairs of breasts molded from the finest milk chocolate; they snap apart in the same way most standard chocolate bars do, just with a little more… three dimensionality. The “About” description on Titse's Behance page reads only, “Tits rule the world.” It may not be much of a mission statement, but oh well. There will likely always be a market for body part-shaped edible objects.
However, a slightly more articulate mission statement is available on Packaging of the World. According to that particular site, the goal of Titses is “to attract men's attention to the product that is so loved by women but is often overlooked by a strong have of the population...”
...Which unfortunately is where the project loses me. That's an awful lot of unnecessary gendering, and to be honest, I just can't figure out why it was necessary. According to that description, women are obsessed with chocolate, and men are obsessed with breasts; therefore, in order to sell chocolate to men, clearly we must make it in the shape of breasts. But I would argue that every single one of those assumptions… well, they don't exactly do anyone any favors.
First off, the stereotype of women holding chocolate in such high regard is old, tired, inaccurate, and sexist. Not all women like chocolate; conversely, a lot of men do like it. But perhaps even more importantly, though, is this: Why does something shaped like boobs have to be marketed only to straight men? I mean, it's not exactly a secret that boobs are pretty amazing. You don't need to be a straight man to appreciate them; heck, you don't even need to be a man at all. Boobs are things anyone can — and, moreover, should — appreciate, no matter how you identify: Man, woman, gay, straight, bi, cis, trans, or anything else on the multitude of vast, gigantic spectrums on which humans exist. Yeah, sometimes they can be kind of annoying — but generally, they're seriously cool. They're fun to play with; they help nurture new life; and so, so much more.
All that aside, though, I will give Titses credit for having a sleek and classy design scheme. Check out the full project over at Behance; if it ever actually goes into production, I'm sure it'll be a huge hit. In the meantime, though, it's also worth noting that this isn't the only time someone has marketed chocolate shaped like breasts. These other products listed below are available for purchase right this very second — and hey, while you're at it, why not get some edible chocolate anuses to go along with them?
Fun fact: BoobShapedProducts.com exists. As in, that's actually a domain that someone purchased… and then used expressly to showcase products shaped like boobs. Isn't the Internet hilarious? Anyway, BoobShapedProducts.com directed me to Amazon for Bosom Buddies, which appears to be a pair of solid milk chocolate breasts. They can be yours for $24.60.
A site devoted to selling erotic candy also exists. I'm just learning all sorts of things today, aren't I? These Boobie Sandwich Cookies sound kind of like NSFW fudge-dipped Oreos: They're described as “delicious chocolate sandwich chocolate cream filled cookies topped with chocolate and cute little boobies.” A box of six will set you back $10.99.
Chocolate by Design creates custom chocolate treats for any and all occasions, including bachelor and bachelorette parties — hence, the naughtier options available. These suckers are $2.99 each and come with a ribbon printed with a message of your choice commemorating the occasion.
Want to make your own boob-shaped chocolates? This mold should do the trick. They're bite sized, so feel free to gift a whole sack of 'em to your favorite boob-lover.
Images: Constantin Bolimond and Maksim Ali/Behance (3)