Anyone who has ever played with dolls — including Barbie, who I dedicated the first nine years of my life to — has probably wondered what it would be like if we had a doll made just like us. No offense to old Babs, but I've never looked anything like Barbie, nor do I understand what it's like to be a veterinarian/lawyer/baby-sitter/presidential candidate all at the same time while wearing hot pink pumps and matching smudge-proof lipstick. One person who no longer has to wonder: Amy Schumer. The opening sketch from Tuesday night's Inside Amy Schumer gives us the Amy Schumer doll, and it's so much like Schumer it's scary. (And by "scary" I mean "incredible," but roll with me here.)
This doll comes with all kinds of functions and accessories you've never seen with any old Barbie or Cabbage Patch Kid. She carries around birth control and Lexapro in her tiny purse, carries around a flask, and has to sleep on her side in case she throws up from drinking too much during the night. Yep, that's Schumer all right, and although I'd never give my future kid a doll modeled after Schumer, I kind of want one for myself. I mean, check her out:
And actually, maybe more of us would be inclined to play with dolls if they were as honest as the Schumer doll. If the honest doll industry ever becomes a thing, these are some of the essential qualities I'd demand immediately:
A Tiny List Of Her Favorite Netflix Shows
This will help you get to know your doll better. Is she the kind of girl who marathons Parks & Rec even though she's seen every episode three times, or is she more into drama? This is important information.
A Perpetual Distaste For Mondays
Like, to the point where she's puking like the Amy Schumer doll does when she's had too much to drink... only at 7 a.m. Monday morning when that damn alarm goes off again.
Eyes That Don't Open Until You Give Her Coffee
Remember that Barbie who slept in PJs until you wiped her eyes with a wet wash cloth and suddenly she woke up? Real dolls should definitely have that feature, except you have to pour coffee into her mouth first. Totally realistic.
Zits. Anywhere And Everywhere.
Whoever said that pimples go away when you're no longer a teenager is lying. Zits are a very real thing at all stages of life (and everywhere on your epidermis), and if a doll is going to be lifelike, she just can't have flawless skin.
Anytime your doll checks her social media accounts (which you run for her, obvs), she feels extremely anxious that all of her doll friends seem to be getting engaged and having kids when she's just sitting at home with her cats, drinking her third glass of wine on a Wednesday night. The puking feature is also good for situations like these.
Your doll probably feels incredibly judged by older, mature dolls who judge for her haircut, her clothes, and the fact that she has yet to provide doll grandchildren in a Dreamhouse. Wait, maybe that feature is too real.