Most Couples Want Sex At Different Times, Says Science, Because Even The Best Relationships Have Desire Discrepancies

Since sex is a fundamental core to not just our biology, but the health of our romantic relationships. So when one partner is totally in the mood and another is not, it can make for issues. Naturally, interest in sex changes over the course of a relationship, in that you’re way more into each other in the early stages than later on, and although that may be the case, it’s still essential to make time to be physically intimate with each other. But a new sex study found that most couples are in the mood for sex at different times, which can be a bit of a problem.

Two recent studies have found that “desire discrepancies” are definitely common issues in long-term relationships. One study found that in just the past month alone 80 percent of couples had experienced a discrepancy in when they were each in the mood and another study found that the desire discrepancy was five out of the seven days a week. Apparently, relationships, even the best ones, can’t quite get in the mood at the same time.

So what do we do in such situations? If we’ve had a long day, are behind on deadlines, and all of a sudden our partner is in their underwear dancing before us to the soulful sounds of Marvin Gaye (as I hear people do)? Do we force ourselves into it for the sake of the relationship? Yes. Well, sort of.

The studies found that when one partner wants to have sex and the other does not, “communal strength” becomes an important factor. Communal strength is the motivation to meet a partner’s needs without “the expectation of immediate reciprocation.” It’s in the wanting to fulfill those sexual needs that not only does it protect the horny partner from being ignored, but, according to the study, “these motivations led the communal people to be more likely to engage in sex with their partner in these situations and also led to both partners feeling more satisfied with their sex life and relationship.”

It’s all about rising to the occasion and being selfless; knowing that if the tables were turned, your partner would do it for you. This communal strength is steeped in wanting to see your partner happy, and in doing so don’t feel coerced into something you may not be in the mood for. It’s essentially a compromise, which is what all relationships are, or at least should be.

Admittedly, it can be really hard to want to have sex if you’re just not feeling it, but as the study notes these “tricky situations,” can be handled through being “mutually responsive.” But seriously if you just can not with the sex some night, don’t push yourself. It’s one thing to be selfless, but it’s another thing to really put yourself out there to the point of resenting your partner for it. Sex toys exist for many reasons; and one of them is get yourself off when your partner just really wants to read their book and be left alone.

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