6 Reasons A Rand Paul & Dan Bilzerian Presidential Campaign Would Spell Doom For Humanity
As if it weren't disturbing enough to find out that Dan Bilzerian is now BFFs with Rand Paul, the Instagram celeb has also released a line of "Dan Bilzerian 2016" t-shirts, suggesting that he has political plans of his own. Now that the professional poker player has taught the senator some expert card tricks, is Paul going to thank him by... oh, God... choosing him as his running mate? Will we be seeing "Paul-Bilzerian 2016" signs in our future? Crazier things have happened in politics, so don't rule out the possibility, but should these two join the same campaign trail, do expect them to ride it all the way to the end, as in the end, end times, the apocalypse, game over.
The pair first started cavorting when Paul apparently asked Bilzerian for some poker lessons, which the senator captured on Snapchat and posted for the world to see their budding bromance. In the video, the pair can be seen playing Liar's Poker, which uses dollar bills instead of cards, each holding a hand of crisp $100 bills. So far in his campaign, Paul has befriended Dan Bilzerian, mastered Snapchat, and shown off his Benjamins. What is he going to do next, drop a hip-hop album?
It seems like what Paul is doing is casting a really, really wide net in an attempt to appeal to as many voters as possible. While most candidates might target such groups as university students, single moms, and ethnic minorities, Paul is targeting fans of poker players known for allegedly throwing porn stars off of buildings, which might be the same group of people as Justin Bieber's entourage. While it might not necessarily be a high-quality demographic for one's political influence, a vote is a vote, I suppose.
Let's hope that that's all he's doing. But judging from Bilzerian's recent Instagram, which alluded to a foray into politics, and his new "Bilzerian 2016" t-shirt and tank, it seems he has something more official brewing. Whether he's going at it alone or will actually be joining Paul's campaign remains to be seen, but let's all pray that that day never comes. If it does, it'll already be too late. The end times would be upon us.
Here are six reasons why a Paul-Bilzerian presidency would usher in the apocalypse. Probably.
Foreign Policy Would Be Settled With Poker Games
"I'll raise you $100 on more sanctions against Iran."
Say Goodbye To Gun Control
The NRA would basically fund this entire campaign.
Say Goodbye To Animal Safety, It Seems
That giraffe does not want to be there.
Porn Would Be EVERYWHERE
Literally everywhere — doctor's offices, airports, taxi TVs, etc. You won't be able to walk one city block without seeing someone's junk on a screen.
The Fate Of Our Country Would Be Decided By This Guy
Rand Paul Would Be President
Oh yeah, that too.