Women Try To Come Up With Slang For Masturbation

Masturbation is awesome, truly. It's unfortunate, unfair, and frankly quite sexist that men get to have all the fun innuendo and slang for the act of diddling their own parts. For women, our obvious options are a little more limited, or at least nuanced. As such, we still won't give up. When women try to come up with slang for masturbation, the results are obviously more inventive and adorable.

My first foray into the world of female masturbation slang came at the ripe age of 15. I remember sitting in newspaper class when a dude classmate made some crude mention of "flicking the bean". Not only did that phrase make my skin crawl, it sounds...not comfortable, let alone likely to incite an orgasm. True, the male equivalent of jacking off sounds similarly painful (and for far too long, led my misinformed juvenile brain to think boys literally slapped their penises to reach climax. I was not a very popular tween.), but still. Masturbation sounds so medical and sterile and like something that happens in a basement. It sounds like an unfortunate item on a winding to-do list. Basically, this is all far from the truth. It's an activity that, albeit probably vital for most of us, is a super radical party-for-one. (Or two! Mutual masturbation is one super hot form of foreplay.) As this woman states, "masturbation" totally does sound like some weird office term:

I actually think "circling back" could possibly sound ~sexy~. I mean, think about it. Anyway. OK, moving on. Hear out some totally viable options for a new nickname for that sacred act of self-love. We have:

Petting the cat

I could see how this would get confusing among cat owners. However, we have also the closely related...

Petting the kitty

It's a subtle difference but I think it somehow fits infinitely better. Perhaps this is because I rarely call my cat a "kitty."

Buttering my muffin

Getting serious Mean Girls vibes here, but it still works adequately.

Whackin' it

Hey bb, I'm all aboard this gender-free term. (Although. again, the whole genital slapping idea comes to mind. But I'll assume I'm in the minority on that.)


If dudes have Jack, surely we have Jill, yes? I'd even argue Rosing could work. I mean, Titanic, anyone? SURELY.

Hear even more amazing euphemisms for female masturbation below:

Images: YouTube(2); Giphy(5)