8 Ways To Make Your Emails Sound More Professional (Which No One Should Ever Use, Ever)

In this day and age, when inboxes are flooded and the email "ignorers" dominating corporate environments continue to let them overflow, sometimes your messages need to stand out to be read. For example, Fast Company just published some ideas for getting quicker responses to your emails, such as personalizing them, including a call to action, and informing the recipient of your time constraints. They're great tips, and very useful — but I have a far more fun idea: Wow the recipient with your professionalism.

The following life hacks work with any kind of email, whether you're rejecting a job candidate, turning down a date, trying to solicit a favor, or even initiating sex! Just follow these eight simple formulas, and you're bound to receive thorough responses from not only the recipient but also your company's human resources department!

On a more serious note: Kids, don't try this at home. Adults, don't try this at work. Everybody, don't try this anywhere; we're venturing into satire here. But for no other purpose than your own twisted enjoyment, please read on for a tutorial on making any email sound professional and examples that apply to, well, a diverse array of situations.

1. Bookend every unfortunate statement with “I am sorry to inform you” and “at this time.”


"I am sorry to inform you that we are not accepting applicants at this time."

"I am sorry to inform you that I would prefer not to date you at this time."“I am sorry to inform you that I give exactly zero shits at this time.”"I am sorry to inform you that my cat is pissing all over your lawn at this time."

2. Attribute every decision to the presence of "a fit."


"Someone will contact you shortly about the position if there is a fit.""I'll meet you at seven if there is a fit at this time." (See what I did there?)"Due to lack of a fit, I don't think we should see each other any longer." "I think we should bone if there is a fit."

3. Use abbreviations and acronyms nobody understands.


"I'm excited to announce that our firm saw 20 percent growth in CMRR during Q3.""I'd like the contrib on IPSs by EOW.""DILF seeking BBW for LTR.""Anyone down for a WF including some PIV along with BLS?"

4. Preface every request with “I would greatly appreciate.”


"I would greatly appreciate if you could get those reports to me by EOD tomorrow." (See how we're applying previous lessons?)"We would all greatly appreciate if you would stop humming at your desk because it's making it really hard for us to hear our own thoughts.""If you'd like my advice, I think she might greatly appreciate if you stopped texting her all those heart emojis."“I would greatly appreciate if you would shut the eff up.”

5. Refer to any demands you make as "action items."


"If I remember correctly, the action items from this meeting were to set up calls with two potential candidates and run our recruitment strategy by the sales team."

"I wanted to remind you of an action item from earlier this week to please take out the trash before it literally overflows.""I would greatly appreciate it if you would stop ignoring my action items.""First action item for tonight: give me a foot massage."

6. Mark emails that require a response right away with "URGENT" or "TIME-SENSITIVE" in the subject line.


"URGENT: Must post announcement by 12:30 ET."

"TIME-SENSITIVE: I think I just accidentally set your kitchen on fire."

"URGENT: Can I go to the bathroom?"

"TIME-SENSITIVE: Come over here. I'm bored."

7. End with a bang by wishing the reader the best.


"We had a highly competitive pool of qualified applicants, and this was not an easy decision. We wish you the best in your search."

"We will not be needing you at this company any longer. All the best and good luck, Jim""I am open to hearing any sort of sexual arrangement that might interest you. All the best and looking forward to hearing from you, Kelly""Kindly be gone. Best, Ron"

8. Include a footer with links to all your online accounts.


View my LinkedIn page here.View my Twitter feed here.See what I've been posting on Reddit here.Read my comments on PornHub videos here.I would greatly appreciate if you could implement these BPs in your emails at this time. And please don't forget to find me on Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, Google+, Wordpress, Tumblr, and Pinterest, where I posted some things I wanted for my apartment one time! I wish you all the best.

...And I also hope you never, ever put these "tips" into practice. Just don't do it. Seriously. Don't.

Images: Giphy (8)