5 Things Only Second Royal Children Understand, Because You're Never Gonna Be Queen, So You Might As Well Have Fun
Everyone grows up wanting to be a royal child — a real-life prince or princess! — but no one grows up dreaming about being a second royal child in particular. Isn't part of the whole fantasy of being a royal kid that you can someday grow up to be king or queen, and have your face printed on some money, present foreign dignitaries with special awards, and, er, do whatever else it is that kings and queens do? Where's the fun in just being a prince or princess forever?
But as a certain anonymous Buckingham Palace insider source* has told us, there are actually a lot of pluses to being a royal second child, like the baby girl Kate Middleton gave birth to this morning. We, the royal-loving public, have gotten it all wrong. Being a second royal child is actually the place to be, the sweet spot between public adoration and actual responsibility, the place between having to live up to high expectations and just having to show up in an ironed shirt, the difference between being the country's stern dad and being the country's cool uncle who will let you set off bottle rockets in the back yard.
Who is this inside source? We can't tell you anything about him or her, except that they are definitely not a ginger who lost a game of backroom high stakes poker against me last week and had to either give me the lowdown on life as a second royal child, or run through Caesar's Palace wearing nothing but a gorilla costume while singing Katy Perry's "Firework." I assure you, we source our news ethically.
So what are the real things only a second royal child understands?
1. You'll Never Be King Or Queen
Don't give me "but what if your sibling abdicated the throne?" or "what if something happens similar to the 1991 John Goodman movie King Ralph ?" It's not going to happen. And you don't want it to happen. You love your older brother or sister, and you don't want to see them fail. This is what they've been training their whole life for!
2. You Don't Actually Want To Be King Or Queen
OK, this is the real meat of the story. It's not a sad opportunity given up; it's a bullet dodged! I mean, do you think Haylie Duff wants to be Hillary Duff? Hilary does all the work and has to keep making music and videos and TV shows if she wants to stay in the public eye. But Haylie can do whatever she wants and still get into really good parties that have those goodie bags with, like, a free really expensive pillow that molds to your neck in them and stuff. OK, now imagine that, but for a WHOLE COUNTRY.
3. The Rules Are A Little More Relaxed For You
Hey firsties: remember how when you were little, your parents made you take violin lessons and French lessons and rhythmic gymnastics lessons? But by the time they had your first sibling, they were straight-up exhausted, and basically just let your little sib draw butts on the walls in crayons? Again, think of that, but for a whole country. I mean, sure, your actual royal parents will be exhausted from having already spent years doing the whole "royal baby" thing, and will probably let you put funny hats on all the Queen's corgis just because they don't have the energy to stop you.
But the country, and even the world, will also function as your over-extended, exhausted, indulgent parents from here on out. Don't think of this as a problem. Think of it as a blessing. No one expects too much from you, so they're impressed with whatever you manage to pull together. It's great!
4. The Punishments Are More Relaxed For You, Too
So let's say you accidentally, um, make a "bad call" in your personal life that accidentally also gets leaked onto the Internet. Well, the best part of that is that the Queen still isn't 100 percent clear on what the Internet is (I mean, she likes Netflix, but you still have to help her sign into her AOL account). But the second best part is, since you were never groomed to be king or queen, the punishments for your typical youthful indiscretions will be way more chill than if your older sib did them. I mean, in the public's eyes, they've been training to be king or queen all their life, and you've just been hanging around; so no matter what you do, they feel a little bad for you, and tend to let you off the hook a little more easily (the public doesn't know about all the glamorous parties and free fancy pillows).
5. You Have A Much Freer Dating Life
Your older sibling has to approach every single first date they go on with the question of whether this person would make a good royal ruler, and there's a lot of pressure on them to settle down ASAP. But you? You can date whoever. Your dating life will be so exciting! Everyone wants to date a royal, so you can have your pick, with no pressure to find a suitable king-type. You can date a footballer, or a model, or whoever the 2035 equivalent of James Franco is. I mean, you could even date the people who join a reality show dedicated to dating you, if you feel like it. I wouldn't personally recommend it, but hey, why do you need my advice? You're the royal second child. Your whole life is going to be about doing what you feel. Now, let me see if I can dig up some corgi-sized hats...
*Ok fine, I didn't ACTUALLY talk to any anonymous Buckingham Palace insider source.
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