It's that time again! The 2015 Kentucky Derby is finally here, and while you might be getting stoked about wearing flouncy spring dresses, crazy hats, and downing Mint Juleps like it's your last day on Earth, I'm most excited for this annual tradition: The Kentucky Derby Horse or Celebrity Baby Name quiz. Now, some of you may be saying to yourselves, "Wait, didn't Billy Eichner invent this game?" And you're technically right. I don't own the patent on this game. I did, however, start the game back in 2013, so you know, come at me, Billy. (We could also just agree that we're both geniuses. I'd be OK with that too.)
After all, when you've got celebs naming their children things like Pilot Inspektor, you kind of have to wonder if these people were inspired by the reckless abandon with which horse owners name their prize steeds. Sure, Shut Up could be a horse from the 1944 Kentucky Derby, but I also wouldn't put it past some famous, eccentric comedian to take a joke that far.
But don't get me wrong. I'm not here to hate. I'm here to revel in the intense creativity that goes into these names. That and the bold-faced nature of some of these names given to actual tiny humans. Wanna give a baby a name fit for an alien overlord? Why not? All I can say is, you go, celebs. Just maybe don't hate me for what I'm about to do, OK?
Round 1: The Natural Born Leaders
- Saint Lazslo
- American Pharoah
Horse: American Pharoah, because no one is cruel enough to name their kid this. Thank God.
Baby: Saint Lazslo, because Pete Wentz and Meagan Camper are determined to make their child's future teachers lose their minds every time they try to call attendance.
Round 2: The Free Spirits
- Danzig Moon
- Summer Rain
Horse: Danzig Moon, though I kinda wish this one was the baby.
Baby: Summer Rain, because Christina Aguilera can appreciate the soft pitter patter of raindrops on an 88 degree day, OK?
Round 3: The Sci-Fi Superheros
- Buzz Michelangelo
- Mr. Z
Horse: Mr. Z, because no one wants their kid to grow up to be a Bond villain.
Baby: Buzz Michelangelo, because Tom Fletcher from McFly really likes Toy Story and the High Renaissance?
Round 4: The You Have To Be Kidding Me Ones
- Sunday Molly
Horse: Bolo — come on, no one would name their child after the worst necktie known to man.
Baby: Sunday Molly, because apparently Mike Meyers knew I was writing this quiz and thought he'd cut me off at the pass by giving his child a Kentucky Derby-approved name.
Round 5: The Royal Ones
- Royal Reign
Horse: Materiality — no one's living it that much of a material world, OK?
Baby: Royal Reign — and oh boy, is Lil' Kim's child giving Jermajesty a run for his money.
Round 6: The Triple Threats
- Mega Omarri Grandberry
- Ocho Ocho Ocho
Horse: Ocho Ocho Ocho — whew, right?
Baby: Mega Omarri Grandberry — holy hell, Omarion went all out in naming his kids.
Round 7: The Is It Over Yet? Ones
- Titan Jewel
Horse: Frammento — apparently a lot of people are excited about this horse joining the Derby. I'm just glad this isn't a person's name.
Baby: Titan Jewel — Kelly Rowland couldn't just let Blue Ivy be the only Destiny's Child baby with a cool name, now could she?
Round 8: Bonus Round
- Bohdi Ransom
- Apollo Bowie Flynn
Psych! These are both celebrity baby names. Bohdi Ransom is Megan Fox & Brian Austin Green's bouncing bundle of joy and Apollo Bowie Flynn is a name only Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani could concoct.
Happy Kentucky Derby Day, and may celebrity baby naming never change.