Party films of the late '90s like Can't Hardly Wait didn't do much in the way of legitimately preparing me for the parties to come in my life. Clearly I befriended the wrong crew, because not even one instance in my hearty history spent partying involved a Cheeto-obsessed foreign exchange student. Sure, I've played witness to some pretty wild party instances—but nothing as dark as this. Some people shared the most fucked up thing they'd seen at a party on Reddit, and their tales are pretty scary, to be honest.
All the components for parties add up to two major possibilities: A stupidly fun time, or truly horrible. Of course, there is some middle-ground possible here, which is most often the norm—most parties are little comedy and a little tragedy. But these stories focus on the bleak underbelly of partying: the supremely bad, potentially tragic outcomes parties sometimes twist into. However, we did include (obviously) a few lighthearted-yet-still-very-strange anecdotes because we're not here to send anyone into spinster status early. (Not that that would totally suck, since we all know for absolute certain staying home rules.) Anyway, without further ado, I present you with the most messed up party stories Redditors could recall:
Keraunoscopia raged with some paramedics:
One completely wasted paramedic laying on a dining room table while his also completely wasted partner instructed his ALSO completely wasted fiance on how to put an IV in the first paramedic. Which she did, without much problem. Then the rest of the night we had to keep preventing the first 'medic from wandering away from the dining room, since his IV was hanging from the chandelier and we didn't want him ripping it out and bleeding all over everything.
BoomGoesTheDynamite3 sounds fun:
Saw a naked man stand in front of the garage and get everyone's attention so he could do a trick...when he turned back around to face us he had a lit cigarette in his penis hole...
zenlittleplatypus saw some sinister scensterisms:
I was like 18. Some kid's septum ring got ripped out during a fight. His septum was on the floor with the ring poking out of it. It was kinda gross.
dirtyuncleron69 got a faceful of maternal instincts:
Saw a woman stand on the bar and spray people with breastmilk.
saints_fan85's friend got a new interior decoration job:
Watched a 400lb football player chug down an entire 5th of Bacardi 151, all at once. He projectile vomited all over my buddy's house that night. Like, as close to "literally" as is humanly possible. It was like taking a paint sprayer around his house. The guy just ran around like a human puke sprinkler for way longer than he should have. He probably should have died, but somehow survived.
That moment SausageFlavoured stopped raving:
In the mid-nineties I was a regular at warehouse parties in London. I realised I needed a break when met a couple of 10 year olds smoking crack using a can as a pipe. Still one of the saddest things I've witnessed in person.
TheFAPnetwork explains a certifiable bummer:
I was 20, I was at a rave/party around 4am and I see this little kid about twelve years old. I asked him if his parents knew where he was. He pointed at a woman dancing with a group of people and said "that's my mom right over there."
filletsheO goes to really exciting parties:
A random cat came in during the middle of the party and proceeded to give birth on the couch. That was interesting.
slickguy had a fire time:
In my freshman year in college, I was rushing a frat. One of the frat brothers there was really good at basketball and even played on McDonald's all-american team in high school. The dude was pretty wasted at the party and a bunch of us were shooting some hoops outside with him. Now, back then NBA Jam was one of the hottest video games out there -- flaming dunk moves and all. Well, there happened to be barbeque lighter fluid right outside by the porch and he decided to squirt it all over his feet, then proceeded to light his sneakers on fire. Dude ran up to the basket and did a dunk while his shoes were on fire. However, he was so wasted that after the dunk he just collapsed on the ground and passed out -- all while his shoes were still burning. Later campus police came as did the fire department due to reports of rancid rubber burning. I ended up pledging.
TL;DR Dude tried to re-enact NBA Jam by setting shoes on fire
Empty_Allocution...just...WHAT:
Some guy microwaved a bowl of puke and holy SHIT DID THAT SMELL BAD. Everyone started throwing up, house was totally rekt by the odour and I went home.
VanillaChocolateKiss met my future husband:
Some guy snowboarded off the roof and landed on the driveway while yelling "For Narnia!"
Zeeaaa lived a bizarre cinematic moment:
At a house party one night, when a bunch of guys showed up who weren't currently friends with the guys already at the party. The fight gets taken into the street, and there's maybe 25-30 people beating the absolute shit out of each other. Girls were screaming, people were being thrown, bottles were being smashed over people's heads, and then there was my friend Karl.
Karl was slowly walking up and down the street with his guitar playing Mexican standoff music, occasionally stepping around bodies and broken glass. It was a surreal moment in the mayhem.
jballs made me afraid of refrigerators:
In high school, this girl threw a party while her parents were out of town. Her and some friends spent most of the party locked in the bathroom doing coke. One of my buddies had to shit, and kept knocking on the bathroom door, but they wouldn't let him in. Fed up, he went to the kitchen, opened the fridge, and proceeded to shit in the vegetable crisper. He grabbed some paper towels off the counter to wipe, threw them in the vegetable crisper, then pulled up his pants and closed the fridge like nothing happened. I imagine that the girl's parents were pretty shocked to find that surprise waiting for them when they got home.
PM_ME_CHUBBY_CHICKS makes a solid point:
This may not be as awful as some of the others in this thread, but I'm a tame guy. Anyways, my roommates and I are having a little get together, and the one guy that always takes it too far showed up. He took it too far. He gets mixed up on a variety of substances and sits, damn near comatose, for about an hour or so. I look over and notice he's starting to dry heave, but we're past the point of "Craig, dude, let's get you to the bathroom". This motherfucker is about to puke all over himself, and my couch. I had to do something, and quick! So I go to the kitchen and pick up an old Wal Mart plastic grocery sack, and I loop it over his ears like some sort of white trash feed bag. He vomits directly into the sack for like 30 minutes. Not one, I repeat, not one drop gets anywhere other than that poor sack. After he's done he looks around, eyes opening for the first time in about 2 and a half hours, smiles and says that he'd like to go to bed. We woke up my other roommate who'd been sleeping throughout all of this and made him throw the puke-bag out back. The best part? Craig woke up the next day feeling like a million bucks, walked home, and had no clue any of that ever took place. Ignorance is truly bliss.
double0se7en had the perfect GOTCHA moment:
I was in the basement. Wall to wall with people dancing. Water started dripping from the ceiling and everyone went crazy under it, showing off wet t-shirts etc. Turns out some girl clogged the toilet upstairs and it was overflowing with shit.
Images: Flickr; Giphy (4)
