I’ve never done the online dating thing. Even before I got hitched last year, it just didn’t seem to appeal to me. While I watched my gay friends getting dates (and dick pics) on Grindr left and right, and not long afterward watched my straight female friends deal with guys who have no idea how to message girls on Tinder, I just shrugged it off. There are far too many dating apps out there and what could one possibly offer me? (I certainly don't need a dick pic.) If I want to have awkward conversation, I can go to the bar and talk to people sober. If I want to laid, I can go to the same bar, get drunk, and bring someone home. Honestly, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure this shit out. So, seriously, what could Tinder give me that I don’t currently have?
One word: Pizza.
(Can you hear the heavens opening up and the angels singing? I can.)
Ladies on Tinder are finally using the dating app for a very important purpose and that purpose is pizza. Known as “Tinder Games,” the new game on the app involves a woman, who, after some back and forth banter with an unsuspecting gentleman, asks the guy to have some pizza (paid for) and delivered to her house. The actual “game” part of all of this is that, amongst a group of women, whoever gets pizza delivered first is the winner! Winner of what, you ask? I have no effing clue, as a specific prize isn’t mentioned, but I imagine it makes you simply the winner at life, which you clearly are when you have a warm pizza box on your lap.
But in the case that the nearest pizza delivery place might be closed, women are resorting to other food sources, like sushi, instead. When one woman on Tinder, after requesting a large cheese pizza be sent to her, realized Lou Malnati’s was closed, she went the sushi route instead, asking that “crunchy spicy tuna and ebi tempura” be sent her way from Nori Sushi. It may not be pizza, but when life gives you lemons, you go for sushi. I mean, what else is there?
Based on the cold hard evidence we have at our fingertips at the moment, there’s no word on whether or not these men are actually getting dates after supplying this free food, but honestly, I don’t care. All I know is that Tinder just became one-stop shopping for hookups and pizza, and what else could a girl possibly want in life? Nothing.