Nebraska Woman Petitions To Sue All Gay People Everywhere In Ridiculous, Real-Life Lawsuit

They say that we've become an overly litigious nation, with everyone suing everybody over everything. Whether or not that's true, there have been plenty of eyebrow-raising lawsuits over the years... and yet I think this one takes the cake: A Nebraska woman is trying to sue all gay people. All of them. And no, this is not just an expression. She's actually filed a petition for the suit in federal court.

Sylvia Driskell, age 66, will be representing herself in the lawsuit, titled Driskell vs. Homosexuals. According to New York Magazine's Daily Intelligencer, she describes herself as an ambassador of “God, And His Son, Jesus Christ"; in a seven page petition to the court, written out by hand in cursive, she does not cite any previous cases, but does quote the Bible extensively. The petition explains that in her view, "homosexuality is a sin and that they the homosexuals know it is a sin to live a life of homosexuality. Why else would they have been hiding in the closet." And seemingly for this reason, she has decided to sue all gay people everywhere for violating "religious and moral laws."

The case has been assigned to Judge John M. Gerrard. I imagine he'll be the person who has to try to explain to Driskell that the American legal system is not actually equipped to handle a suit against all gay people on Earth, and that trying to do so is not only impractical to the point of absurdity (that's a lot of people to sue) — but also might bring up some problems with regards to the international arena. I'm not a lawyer, but I'd imagine some issues might arise.

Still, it's kind of hilarious to imagine the logistical problems you'd run into if this case actually were allowed to go forward. Even if Driskell only winds up suing gay people in the United States, does that include people who are closeted? Or are they exempt from the suit? How can you tell who is and who isn't closeted? And what about bisexuals? I'd assume trans people aren't part of the suit, since gender identity and sexual orientation are separate, but still. That's a lot of people. Plus, what the hell kind of damages would you be seeking?

I can't imagine that this case isn't going to be dismissed, but until it is, here are some of the people that Driskell is technically petitioning to sue.

1. Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka

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Neil Patrick Harris and his husband David Burtka fall under the petition's umbrella.

2. Jason Collins

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Jason Collins, the first openly gay player in the NBA, does as well.

3. Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi

ADRIAN SANCHEZ-GONZALEZ/AFP/Getty Images

The lawsuit does list the defendants as simply "homosexuals," so it looks like that includes Ellen and her wife Portia de Rossi.

4. Rep. Mark Tacano

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Rep. Mark Takano is the LGBT person of color ever elected to the US Congress. He is currently representing the state of California.

5. Michelle Rodriguez

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Does being bi also mean you're included in Driskell's lawsuit? It's not the same as being "homosexual," which is what the suit specifies, but it's always possible that the petition might include bisexuals anyway. If so, Furious 7 actress Michelle Rodriguez also fits the bill.

Plus, one of my cousins, quite a few of my friends, and way too many of my casual acquaintances to keep track of. And also, I assume, quite of few of you, good readers! Congratulations! You are in quite impressive company.

Images: Getty (5)