7 Things NOT To Say In A Wedding Toast

If you're slated to speak at a friend's wedding anytime soon and you're wondering how to make a wedding toast, you have your work cut out for you. Getting up in front of a crowd at someone else's wedding is not an easy task, and you need to make sure your wedding toast is as light-hearted and fun as it is appropriate for the setting. Creating a solid wedding speech is an extremely delicate balance, and your job is to share something hilarious, but not too vulgar, about the bride and/or groom, and you should also make it sweet.

A person's wedding day is an extremely important part of their life, and derailing it even the slightest with a private story could ruin the whole thing. It could stir up trouble between the bride and groom, or their families, or the wedding party. You should only share what you KNOW the happy couple is cool with everyone else they invited knowing as well. Basically, you just don't want to say or do anything that could upset the bride and groom. Remember Michael Scott's toast at Phyllis' wedding to Bob Vance (Vance Refrigeration)? Yeah, try not to do that. But specifically, avoid all of the following mistakes if you ever want to be invited to a wedding again.

1. Share any bodily mishaps of the bride or groom

This is not the time and place for diarrhea, period, or pee-pants stories. I mean, is there ever a time and place for that? Nobody wants to hear about the time the groom crapped himself on Space Mountain, and I'm sure he doesn't want that out in the open either. Leave the human waste tales alone.

2. Rehash former hookups

Does the bride want to know about the one girl you thought the groom would marry and then didn't? Probably not. And most likely, she knows who this person is and does not want to hear her name on her wedding day.

3. Talk about ancient beefs

If you were best friends with the happy couple and then you guys had a major blowout and didn't speak for a year, but have since moved past it — great! But don't bring up that old drama in your toast. It's history for a reason, and they don't want to remember how mad they were at you back in the day.

4. Make the speech all about you

This is not your day. The speech should reflect the love and eternal connection the newlyweds share. That is all.

5. Use it as a chance to practice your standup routine

If you're an aspiring comic, you might see this as a chance to test out some bits. Umm... don't. If you have a breezy joke about the couple that you want to include, that's fine. But the room full of people is only looking at you because they want to hear all about the people who just said "I do," so make it about them.

6. Share family secrets

I don't know who would do this, but you really should not be one of them. It will end badly and ruin the reception.

7. Burp

Sometimes this happens uncontrollably, but don't make an effort to let one rip, because DUH, that's gross.

Image: NBC; Giphy (7)