When you have your own apartment, getting ready for a night out on the town is a fun little affair. There's usually a mess of ups and downs when getting ready to go out, but by the time your legs swing into a cab, it's usually worth the emotional turmoil. Music fills the room, wine is poured into your fanciest wine glass, your hair is set in curlers, and the primping and fussing begins. You shuffle from your bathroom to your room and back again in your robe, dancing-queen-ing it up in your hallway as the drugstore wine starts working its magic. Getting ready to head out is something to look forward to, and when you're in the mood to poke around your closet and fuss over your hair, the feminine rituals are just as fun as ordering fancy drinks at the bar you're heading to.
But that's only if you have your own apartment. If you still live with Mother Dearest and Father, well, that's a whole different story. Getting ready usually starts with a quiet tip-toe to your bathroom, trying not to alert the wolves that you're making a break for it. Once they do catch wind that you'll be leaving the confines of your room, the questions start and you're suddenly 15 again, standing in your room with braces and your hands nervously clasped behind your back. Doing your best to both answer 101 questions and plan an escape route silently in your head. It might involve bed sheets tied into a rope, or it might not. Depends on how dire things become.
When you live at home, getting ready to go out is not an easy to-do. Below are the seven stages you have to go through before finally sneaking out the door and into the cool freedom of the night.
1. The Inquisition
Have you moved from being burritoed in a blanket on the couch? Has the sound of Gilmore Girls reruns stopped and you've moved on to poking around in the bathroom, trying to decide if you should curl or straighten your hair? Well, prepare yourself to feel the shadow of your mother slowly creep up behind you. "Are you going somewhere?" she'll ask. "Out," you'll answer curtly. "It's a Wednesday," she'll counter. "Yup," you'll agree as you root through your lipstick drawer. She'll just stand in the door jamb quietly, her silence radiating her disapproval in waves.
You hear the clink of rosary beads behind you, signaling she thinks you need to re-find Jesus. Not missing a beat, you find the red lipstick you were looking for and dab it on, locking eyes with her in the mirror. Unflinchingly. Lucky for you, you've already developed an immunity to those waves. The stare down continues as Pitbull urges you to get low, low, low. He never really helps things, does he?
2. The Parenting Stage
Wanting you to stay forever home and play out a Grey Gardens scenario with her, your mom will now kick her parenting skills into high gear. You're all of a sudden 12 again and have to do her bidding. She'll nonchalantly pass by your bathroom and mention your bed isn't made and there's currently a war zone happening behind your bed. There seem to be many casualties, she reports. And you can't leave till it's all tidied up. You smirk at her in the mirror. You have no power here, lady.
... Slash, you'll just shove all the clothes into your closet anyway because, OK, she looks a little terrifying with that scowl.
3. The "What Are You Wearing?" Stage
Finally done curling your hair, you start tidying the bathroom as you feel your mom creep up behind you. Again. "What are you going to wear?" She'll ask conversationally. "Don't you have like Everybody Loves Raymond to watch?" you'll helpfully offer. "You should wear that polka dot dress I bought you. I don't think I've seen you wear it yet."
Because it makes you look like Minnie Mouse, only if she was dowdy and thrown into a retirement home. At least Minnie had a hot little short dress — this one was Amish and to your shins. Smiling sweetly at her, you close the bathroom door in her face.
4. The Progress Report
Halfway through getting ready, you'll get a quick one-two check in from your mom. Questions like "what time will you be home" and "who will be there" will be batted around. Knowing full well she doesn't know the names of any of your friends, you mess around with her and say something vague like, "No one and never. Goodbye, Irene." All you hear is a disapproving Marge Simpson-like growl as she storms back down the hallway.
5. The "Your Makeup Is Too Dark" Stage
You're now standing in front of your closet in your robe, your cat eyeliner perfect and your burgundy lipstick finally located. You're doing a little shimmy as your pump up songs do their job, and you may or may not feel like you can take Beyoncé on in a dance battle. Mama bear pokes her head into your room and frowns. "Why do you hide that pretty face behind all that makeup? Come here, let's rub some of it off." You somehow find the strength to not throw your stuffed bear at her head.
6. The "Oh You're Wearing That?" Stage
You finally choose a pair of high waist jeans and a crop top and you're feeling fine. Casual and completely hot, you do a little sassy spin in your room and throw finger guns at yourself in the mirror. Irene is back at your door, scowling this time. It might be because Queen Bey is playing and telling you to do illicit things, or it might be because you're surrounded by your stickered-up childhood furniture, but mother doesn't approve.
"Don't you want to wear something not so tight? How about a nice dress? Don't you own something not black?" She starts moving towards your closet as if ready to help remedy the situation, and you all but have to push her out of your room. "Let's go make some tea, ma." Anything to get her away from the Minnie Mouse dress.
7. The 'I'll Wait Up For You" Stage
Because she's your mom and you'll forever be a little one to her. Sighing, you promise to split a midnight snack with her when you come back home.
... And begrudgingly admit you're kind of looking forward to it.
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