Summer is the season of so many joyous and delightful things: Beach days, porch wine, bike rides, sundresses, soccer, hot guys on the basketball courts, ice cream, music festivals, et cetera, so on and so forth forever. However, there is a scourge that plagues the warm months and it's a burden we must bear, a price we have to pay for being happy and carefree in the sunshine — that price is being forced to live in a world that turns its back on the truth that flip flops are not acceptable footwear. #YesAllFlipFlopsWe all know that person: The one whose ominous flip-flopping we can hear approaching from down the hall when we realize there's no way out — no way to escape. As soon as the temperature even so much as inches above the freezing point, they're hooting and hollering and flip flopping all over the place with exactly zero chill.
There's something about flip flop wearers that makes them extra vocal about their love and enthusiasm for this type of "footwear" and willing to break them out before the snowflakes have even melted, subjecting us to that ominous sound and not even giving us a single week to just enjoy the chirping birds. It's that time of the year, and I've already reached my capacity for being able to deal with living on a planet where flip flops exist.
Whatever your reasons for wanting to burn every single pair of flip flops, there are a few universal truths that everyone who hates flip flops knows and understands:
1. Foam Goes Inside Of Shoes
Foam makes good soles and good cushion in the heels of running shoes. But it's a shoe component, not a real shoe!
2. They're The "Mullet" Of The Foot
Slipper or shoe? CHOOSE ONE, FLIP FLOPS.
3. They Make You Think Of Fungus Immediately
Whenever I've had to put on a flip flop, it's because I'm at the gym or the pool and trying to prevent warts and rotting toenails. Oh yeah, but totally wear those to work and on a date and stuff!
4. They Also Make You Think Of Butt Cracks
You know your parents still call them thongs and the strap between your toes is just like some butt floss. Just say no to butt feet.
5. Your Pedicure Deserves More Than That
Your esthetician worked so hard on your nails and you're gonna ruin it by surrounding that art work with a PLASTIC STRAP? OK.
6. Feet Are Weird Enough
Seriously, your feet sweat so much and are often covered in dry skin and blisters and things with names like bunions but you want to subject their edges to the dirt of the sidewalk? Why? What did they ever do to you?
7. You Need A Layer Between You And Other People's Feet
Wearing flip flops basically invites the bottoms of other people's shoes to make contact with the top of your foot in a crowd. And most people and their shoes are pretty dirty, TBH.
8. You Don't Need An Announcement When You Enter A Room
It's why you wear a sensible and considerate amount of perfume and don't wear the loudest shoes possible: Your presence is enough of an indicator that you've arrived. People notice.
9. There Are Better Ways To "Bring The Beach Home"
Sure, flip flops have a place: That place is at the beach or the lake when you're trying to avoid sand in your shoes. If you want to channel your beach life when you're not there, get some salt spray or wear a little bronzer.
10. You're Way More Prepared For Life Sans Flip Flops
Get caught in the rain? Car break down? Would you rather walk a few miles in your flip flops or some cute slip-on flats? That's what I thought.
11. There Are Better Uses For a Dollar
Yes, you can score a pair of flip flops for a dollar, but there are way better things you could buy for that buck: fries, a scratch ticket, a newspaper, anything at a garage sale, bobby pins, Kraft Dinner, or even gas station coffee. All better than flip flops.
12. That Sound Is The Worst
Have I mentioned that sound yet?
13. People Should Wear Whatever They Want, No Matter What
While I would rather pull out all my leg hairs one by one rather than have to see another pair of flip flops again, I'm not the boss of anyone's life and I'm all about the freedom to do what you want with your body. Yes, even if people want to put flip flops on them. I'm gonna reserve the right to keep my feet a flip-flop free zone, though, OK?
Images: Fotolia; Giphy