As I've remarked a few times before, I'm not a parent. Thanks to the Internet, though, I've been developing an increasingly accurate sense of what raising children is like — and the Twitter hashtag #AdviceForNewParents is the latest source of unconventional wisdom I've discovered. You guys? I get the feeling that we should all be taking notes on this stuff. It might come in handy later on, and possibly in more situations than just child-rearing ones.
The hashtag appears to have been started this morning by the Twitter handle @ThePoke, which belongs to the British website of the same name. Given that The Poke's tagline is “Time well wasted,” I feel like perhaps this is a site I should add to my roster of Places to Find Cool Things on the Internet. Like the AskReddit thread focusing on the things that suck about parenting that no one ever talks about, #AdviceForNewParents is full of honesty — and a boatload of humor. Raising kids is tough, so we may as well laugh about it, right?
The following 12 lessons are what I feel to be some of the most noteworthy ones to which the hashtag has given rise; head on over to Twitter to watch #AdviceforNewParents unfold in real time. Even if you don't have or aren't planning to have kids, it's still worth a look.
1. Keep your expectations low when dressing your child...
2. ...And also when gauging your punctuality.
3. If you are uncertain of what a particular substance is, do NOT taste test it.
Some questions are better left unanswered.
4. Never go anywhere without an escape plan in place.
5. Use this clever trick to make sure your kids are actually in bed when you want them to be.
Sneaky.
6. Mealtime is always going to be complicated; best get used to it.
7. Adjust your parenting style based on both your child and yourself — not on anyone else.
This also gives you the right to do this:
8. Ignore any metaphors or similes that describe what raising a child is like.
How did they come to be in the first place? That's anyone's guess. All we know is, they're pretty much all wrong.
And while we're on the subject…
9. Learn the valuable skill of being able to sleep anytime, anywhere.
10. Regarding time outs:
They can be used either to sit in the corner and think about what you've done, or to give yourself a break. Both are acceptable, as are a variety of other reasons a grownup time out might be called for.
11. Resign yourself to the fact that everything will be a mess. EVERYTHING.
So messy that you may as well just get started on creating it yourself.
12. But most importantly…
And:
Ayyyyyyyyy-men.
Image: Vivian Chen/Flickr
