We'll admit it: Rob Ford's bizarre confession to smoking crack was a more surprising twist than any of Tuesday's election results. After all, the whole "OK, I smoked crack cocaine! When? Well, in one of my drunken stupors, obviously!" thing was more unexpected than either Bill de Blasio's landslide victory, Chris Christie's reelection, or Ken Cuccinelli's slow death in the polls. The main takeaway from Tuesday night was a slow but steady move to the Left, with sucker-punches to the GOP in all cases but New Jersey (and Christie is one of those rare "moderate" Republicans, anyway).
Still, the "um, duh" nature of most of Tuesday's results didn't stop this year's elections from having some mighty fine moments. Wanna see them? Course you do.
1. DE BLASIO WINS, ABOUT A MILLION TIMES OVER.
Even if de Blasio had pulled a Rob Ford and shown off his crack pipe on the campaign trail, he probably still would still have beaten out Joe Lhota. De Blasio's populist campaign, which promised to close the gap between rich and poor in New York City and cut down on racial profiling, had seen him slamming Lhota in the polls for weeks. Though Lhota pointed out (rightly) that de Blasio was making promises he didn't necessarily have the power to keep, his voice was drowned out by the masses, who voted overwhelmingly for de Blasio on Nov. 5. He won with roughly three-quarters of the vote.
De Blasio's campaign was partially constructed on the failures of Michael Bloomberg, who has served as mayor for eleven years — and whose vast body of work is now seen as a little hit-and-miss. De Blasio's campaign, writes the Huffington Post, served to make "New Yorkers Drop-Kick Michael Bloomberg And His Legacy Over The East River." And doesn't Bloomberg know it.
Well. This is awkward...
Still, de Blasio and family were very pleased, celebrating with something called the "Smackdown Dance." Well, yes please.
It is not the first time they've performed the Smackdown Dance.
After his victory was announced, de Blasio took the stage to the tune of Lorde's "Royals," which he apparently felt summed up his campaign.
And we'll never be royals (royals).It don't run in our blood,That kind of luxe just ain't for us.We crave a different kind of buzz.Let me be your ruler (ruler),You can call me queen BeeAnd baby I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule.Let me live that fantasy.
Move over, Beyoncé. There's another Queen Bee in town.
2. CHRIS CHRISTIE REVS UP FOR THE WHITE HOUSE.
To no one's surprise, Chris Christie found himself reelected as governor of New Jersey, sweeping up 60 percent of the vote and fueling rumors of his bid for the White House. Analysts perceived his victory speech — "I know tonight, a dispirited America, angry with their dysfunctional government in Washington, looks to New Jersey to say, 'Is what I think happening really happening?'" — as an introductory speech to Christie's upcoming presidential campaign.
Critics have their concerns with Christie, chastising those who label him "moderate": his agenda for sex education, for example, is abstinence-only, and he initially tried to wage a lawsuit against gay marriage in his state. Plus, he once hugged Obama and then pretended he hadn't, which is weird.
There are other concerns, too.
Christie's been slammed for lashing out at press and public when things start going badly: one teacher said she was "left shaking" after Christie started screaming at her last weekend when asked why he calls schools "failure factories." Christie claims he said "It's never enough for you people;" the teacher, Melissa Tomlinson, claims he yelled "I'm tired of you people!"
And then there's his weight, which has seen him labeled "meaty" by the media and the subject of many, many mean jokes. For example, Mitt Romney apparently calls Christie "Pufferfish." Romney took the opportunity to make clear that he wouldn't be supporting Christie's presidential campaign because of, and we quote, "his temper and medical history."
Side note: Are people still listening to Romney?
3. BOSTON ELECTIONS MOST BORING IN HISTORY.
Over in Boston, voters struggled to keep from falling asleep. There was hardly a policy difference to be found between the two candidates, John Connolly and Marty Walsh: both are white Democrats, proponents of diversity, and promised to put the role of public employee unions under the spotlight.
Walsh ultimately won by a small margin.
Some voters were pretty confused.
We bet they each wished they were running against Rob Ford this electoral season. Because Rob Ford, mayor of Toronto and hereafter known for inspiring the Twitter hashtag #InADrunkenStupor, is many things, but he certainly isn't boring. Sure, Toronto is chastising him for making the city "the laughing stock of North America," but at least no-one's struggling to tell him apart from his opponent.
Let's take a moment to revisit that one again, shall we?