Geri Halliwell Just Got Married, But What Kind Of Wedding Would Each Spice Girls’ Persona Have?
Get ready to feel old, '90s kids: Geri Halliwell aka Ginger Spice just got married to longtime beau Christian Horner. The bride was a vision in a tasteful, conservative all-lace gown, invoking the image of a strawberry blonde Kate Middleton. Except... NO. NO NO NO NO NO. This isn't how Ginger Spice's wedding is supposed to go AT ALL. I'm sorry, but as an OG Spice Girl fan from back in the day, that does NOT bode well with me. A Ginger Spice wedding should be devoid of class, and high on camp. And, if we're going by the personalities so boldly seen in the masterpiece that is Spice World , they would all have weddings true to their spicy selves.
I'm sure there of some of you out there saying, "Well, Mary Grace, you know that Spice World wasn't a documentary, right? Like, they're completely different people who operate separately from those titles. Victoria Beckham has independently been a big name for years. And she's been married to David Beckham for like, forever."
To that, I say, shut up. Also, stop poking holes in my childhood. Anyway, I'm just saying. Here's how all the Spice Girls' weddings SHOULD have gone down.
Honestly, the bachelorette party would be the main event for Ginger. Male strippers? A big yes to switching the usual rules about objectification on its head. Girl power! (I think?)
But she'd class up for the main event. Red latex statement platforms? Of course! White tulle mullet dress? Duh! Union Jack knickers? Obviously! Sparkly blue garter belt? What else? Cleavage is pushed up to your eyelashes? Is there any other way?
The wedding cake is gingersnap spice, and it only moderately edible, but who cares? Nobody will notice once Ginger brings her ladies out on the floor for some synchronized dancing to "Never Give Up on the Good Times."
Posh got Gucci to design her little wedding dress. It's the event of the century, and the other Spice Girls are forced into tiny, streamlined black minis and stilettos. To say Sporty looks uncomfortable in the photos would be an understatement.
Not that it matters that much. Posh hired Annie Leibowitz to do all of her wedding photography, and she's taken 120 shots to be sent off as a feature in Vanity Fair. Posh is smiling in none of them.
You'd think that Sailor Moon pigtails would clash with a pink plastic tiara, but Baby makes it work. The reception was beautiful, and her stuffed polar bear slash best man Mr. Snowbanks made a beautiful speech. Even though marriage feels like it's for grown-ups, she's looking forward to this new step into adulthood.
Weird, though, how she keeps ending up at the kids table with a lollipop. She also requested six balloon animals.
Scary would have a laid back wedding, of course. Her hair would be delicately arranged, six metal buns in the front, full afro in the back. She'd walk down the aisle flanked by two leopards. And her dress? Obviously, white leopard with a loooooong furry train. Let no one diminish her ferocious power.
The first dance is to Etta James' "At Last." Swear to god, you can't escape that song.
It was really nice of Adidas to make a satin white track suit.
Images: Giphy (6)