With Star Wars: Episode VII — The Force Awakens right around the corner, Star Wars fever is certainly upon us. Did you know that it’s been 35 years since Star Wars: Episode V — The Empire Strikes Back (geez, those titles are long) was released in theaters? It seems like only yesterday (well, I wasn’t born yet, but go with me on this) that legions of Star Wars fans gathered in front of their cineplexes for the second installment (release-wise, at least) of the franchise.
Personally, I’ve been recently taken by a different kind of Empire: That of FOX’s newest show, which chronicles the rise and (maybe) fall of the musical Lyon family. It’s safe to say that Empire is a bonafide hit: It’s one of the only shows in recent years to increase viewership episode-over-episode, which is a big deal. It also boasts a diverse cast and killer tunes, and people can’t just get enough.
Since I do have a little bit of a soft spot for Empire Strikes Back, I decided to combine my two loves and recast this classic space movie: What if the characters on FOX’s Empire were cast in Empire Strikes Back? Let’s see who would fit in and where.
Luscious Lyon = Darth Vader
This was an easy one, wasn’t it? Luscious is the
vicious ruler of the Empire Enterprises world, and Darth Vader is the vicious
ruler of the Galactic Empire (you could say that Emperor Palpatine is the
ruler, but Vader definitely asserts more power here). Both Vader and Luscious
are responsible for a death or a hundred, both rule with an iron fist, and both
will stop at nothing to crush anything that stands in their way. Luscious and
Vader also love to remind their son (or sons, in Luscious’ case) that they are
related and that they will turn out just like him. Bummer.
Luke Skywalker = Hakeem Lyon
Hakeem is out there, rapping, doing his own thing,
living under his father’s shadow. Luke is under his father’s shadow the whole
time, too, except he doesn’t know it yet. Both Luke and Hakeem are the handsome
young heroes of their respective tales, and they’re really just trying to find
themselves in a world in which they’re being pulled in many directions.
Han Solo = Cookie Lyon
Cantankerous, bossy, opinionated, and still smart
as hell? Yep, that describes Cookie Lyon. It also describes Millennium Falcon pilot Han Solo. As
annoying as they can be, you want Cookie and Han in an emergency. They’ve saved
both of their respective crews from plenty of damages, and they both have a
sensitive side, too. How cute is that?
R2D2 = Becky
Who is the most useful creature in the Star Wars universe? If you say Jar Jar
Binks, you’re not my friend and you’ve clearly never seen a Star Wars movie. It’s R2D2 (he’s a
robot, but fine). Who is the most useful person in Empire? Luscious’ assistant, Becky. Duh! She knows everything, she
helps Luscious (and the rest of the fam), and she’s best buds with Jamal. They
are also the only characters in their respective works that I feel like I could
Princess Leia = Jamal Lyon
Middle son Jamal Lyon is the black sheep of the
Lyon family: His father, Luscious, hates him because he’s gay, and his mother,
Cookie, wants to use him as a pawn to make Luscious look bad. When Jamal was
first getting his music out, he was pretty timid and meek. Afraid of making a
splash, you know? But at the end of the season, Jamal was all, “it’s my way or
the highway, bitches.” Similarly, Princess Leila played the damsel in distress
just fine at the beginning of the Star
Wars series, but she turned into an Empire-fighting mega badass. Leia and
Jamal are two peas in a pod.
C3PO = Trai Lyon
Easily the most irritating character in Star Wars (once again, Jar Jar Binks
doesn’t count), C3PO does nothing but talk about what can go wrong. He’s
high-strung, erratic, and, frankly, even though he’s a robot, prone to
outbursts. Who is his Empire
counterpart? It’s oldest son Trai Lyon, who is too brainy for his own good and,
due to his bipolar disorder and the fact that he hates to take his medications,
also prone to depressive outbursts.
Boba Fett = Anika Calhoun
This is an interesting one, and, true Star Wars fans, please forgive me for
the tweaking of lure. I know that Vader hires Boba Fett to find Luke and the
gang, which, if I made Boba Fett Anika would make Luscious her buddy, but Anika
is so far from Luscious’ buddy at the end of the season it hurts. Instead, I
likened Boo Boo Kitty herself to Boba Fett because they are both single-minded
to the point of recklessness. All Boba Fett wants is to capture Luke, Han Solo,
etc., and all Anika wants is to bring down Luscious Lyon.
Now that we’ve gotten casting for the Empire and Empire Strikes Back mash-up down, let’s focus on wardrobe. Do you think all of Cookie’s furs would look good in space?
Images: Chuck Hodes/FOX; Giphy (7)