Jen Kirkman Feels Like Your BFF, Thanks To Netflix

Comedian Jen Kirkman wants scientists to be more specific about when global warming will destroy the world, because if the Earth only has five years left, she wants to start smoking again. And with that confession, her Netflix comedy special Jen Kirkman: I'm Gonna Die Alone (And I Feel Fine) won me over. Kirkman, best known for Chelsea Lately and Drunk History, is a woman that I can imagine being friends with. Yes, there is nothing particularly groundbreaking about her comedy special that was released on the streaming service on Friday, May 22. But with laugh-out-loud commentary on female masturbation and Johnny Depp looking like a cigarette with a scarf on, the 79-minute comedy special is a light treat for men and women alike this Memorial Day weekend.

I'm a sucker for people who have a disdain for children and weddings, and a penchant for alcohol, sex, and dropping f-bombs. Since Kirkman isn't afraid to get drunk and talk history on Drunk History , I went into the Netflix special with a warmness in my heart for the comedian. (Nothing makes me swoon like booze and exaggerated historical facts.) And though people who have gotten divorced may be able to personally relate to I'm Gonna Die Alone (And I Feel Fine) more than I did, there was still plenty for me to giggle at.

While her tale of a date with a 20-year-old man after she separated from her husband was old-hat and could have been shorter (yes, I agree "cougar" doesn't sound as glamorous as "silver fox"), other jokes of the struggles of aging landed with hilarious truth. Like the fact that her gray pubic hairs are now a sign that her body is laying off non-essential personnel. And though much of the special did focus on the fact that she's 40 years old and divorced, other jokes didn't depend on having those life experiences to get a laugh.For lazy people like me, her observations of attempting to wake up at 6 a.m. to go jogging were 100 percent spot-on. Yes, you may be motivated when you set that alarm the night before, but when it goes off, Kirkman's assessment of the situation articulated exactly how I feel whenever I attempt such a foolish feat: "Who the f--k gets up at 6 am?!...What am I, a nurse?! I don't need to get up this early." Or how she gained 40 pounds when she was married thanks to eating blocks of cheese. I may not be married, but as a person in a domestic relationship, I understand that struggle all too well. Now, please enjoy this gif of Kirkman as I go cry into my block of cheese.

As an honorary cat lady (hey! just because I don't currently own a cat doesn't mean I can't be part of the club), my favorite bit was about her desire to go to a human-cat wedding. She wanted to make it clear that she wasn't being flippant about marriage since it's still not legal for all people to get married. And then she launched into a rant about how she hates when people use the "slippery slope" argument against gay marriage and say that the practice will lead to people marrying animals (I was literally ranting about this exact same topic last night before even seeing the special. SEE?! We should be friends!) But instead of saying that she disagrees with this argument because of its correlation to impending bestiality — she satirizes that argument entirely by saying people/pet marriages sound freaking adorable!

Kirkman said she may be over destination weddings for two people, but a destination wedding for her friend Cindy marrying her tuxedo cat Mr. Mittens?? Count her in! (And me too for that matter.) Let's just hope that Cindy doesn't go crazy like Kirkman did and think she's earned the right to register for snack nut bowls and gravy boats. Because that's where Kirkman and I will draw the line. (Damn you, wedding registries!!)So for fans of her brand of humor, it's worth saving the date for Kirkman's Netflix comedy special. And I'm going to officially petition to be the comedian's platonic date for the wedding of Cindy and Mr. Mittens.

Images: Courtney Chavanell/Netflix; stand-up-comic-gifs/Tumblr (6)