The cast list for Season 5 of American Horror Story keeps getting longer and longer, and now it includes one of our favorite sitcom stars. Max Greenfield, a.k.a. New Girl's Schmidt, has joined the cast of American Horror Story: Hotel , and according to a tweet from show creator Ryan Murphy, Greenfield's character won't be checking out. Murphy has officially signed, sealed, and delivered Greenfield's death warrant long before the new season airs this October, but let's be honest here: did we ever really think that Greenfield would survive? Maybe I'm equating Greenfield with his less-than-scrappy New Girl character Schmidt, but if there's one roommate that I'm certain wouldn't survive the haunted hotel, it's him. Sorry, Schmidt — at least you have great taste in clothes?
Now that we know that we'll basically be seeing Schmidt dead by the end of American Horror Story: Hotel, it's time to look into how the other New Girl characters would fare in the same situation. Which roommate has the best chance of survival when it comes to all things spooky? While I certainly wouldn't guarantee the safety of any of these guys on any season of American Horror Story, here are the fates I would predict for Winston, Coach, Nick and Jess if they were to show up on the show's fifth season.
Dead On Arrival: Winston
Winston may have police training, but the dude just does not do well under pressure. Winston would be the person running down the hall away from a ghost, screaming and flailing his arms, while inadvertently waking up six or seven more demonic beings from their slumber.
Dead, But By Choice: Coach
Coach definitely has his physicality going for him, but unfortunately for Coach, he's also a secret softie, which is the last thing you want to be on American Horror Story. He'd probably meet a cute ghost and die so they could live in the hotel together.
The One The Ghosts Let Escape: Jess
If American Horror Story: Hotel plays by Murder House rules (meaning any soul that dies in the hotel gets trapped their forever) there's no way Jess is getting killed off. The ghosts couldn't put up with Jess' adorkable positivity forever.
The Ultimate Survivalist: Nick
Nick has no shame and will do literally whatever it takes to survive a haunted house. Heck, he'll camp out on a spot in a garage for weeks if it means he doesn't have to contend with street parking. Nick's weirdness and "whatever it takes" attitude will ultimately keep him safe on American Horror Story, and he might even freak out some ghosts in the meantime.