Let's not beat around the bush. Miley Cyrus revamped her website. It's surprisingly understated and simple. And by "understated and simple," I mean "makes my blood hurt." Before I get into it, please note that I am an unabashed Cyrus fan. I, like Dolly Parton, have no interest in critiquing her or offering unsolicited advice. However, I am a human with eyes. And I put Cyrus's new site into my eyes. And my eyes and brain worked together to process what was in front of me. The conclusion? The site looks like Urban Outfitters. Perhaps I sound like an old, but if that site didn't make me feel like I was wearing a cotton/polyblend kitten t-shirt that smelled like a humid dressing room, I'm a monkey's uncle.
Let's break Miley's new site.
IT MAKES ME FEEL MY AGE
The site is so fun and carefree and hip. While looking at the site, I am painfully aware of how old I am. UO has a similar impact on me. I will hold up a baby doll dress and wonder, "where would I possibly wear this? To the bank? But that's what my sweatpants are for. Did I remember to take my Metamucil this morning?" And it goes on and on and on.
THE COLORS HURT MY EYES
Cyrus's site is very colorful. I have sensitive eyes. I'm not perfect. Never said I was. My eyelids were noticeably heavier after I explored it. UO is an assault of color, pattern, print, and shiny. Everything in the store runs together. Before I know it, I'm looking at a colorless void. I leave the store, and my eyes come back to reality.
THE WEED ICONOGRAPHY
There are marijuana leaves all over Cyrus's site. There's an animated blunt on the homepage. I guess her site needs to keep things chill. No shame in that. Like Cyrus, UO is candid about their pro-weed stance. You can buy weed print anything at the store. I guess the store also needs to keep things chill. Again, no shame in that.
THE LATE '90s/EARLY '00s VIBE
Cyrus's site feels intentionally dated. If it were an article of clothing, it'd be a pair of overalls. It looks like something that'd happen on Geocities back in the '90s. Guess who also loves them some nostalgia? Urban Outfitters. Whenever I walk into that store, I'm like, "oh, I guess I have to dress like Clarissa Explains It All now."
EVERYTHING IS EVERYWHERE
I spent 15 minutes trying to find all of the links. A majority of the links are scattered around the page. I felt like I was on a scavenger hunt. "I found the link to the video for 'We Can't Stop'!" I yelled to no one. But I felt victorious. Similarly, when I go into UO, chaotic "organization" of the store overwhelms me. Admittedly, I am an easily overwhelmed person. But when I finally track down the pair of jeans I was looking for, my heart swells with pride.
Cyrus's site features an adorable stuffed bear. No, not a taxidermied bear. A stuffed toy bear. Why? I don't know. Probably a reference to her VMA performance. Or maybe she just likes teddy bears. UO happens to be a one-stop shop for items decorated with kitten, puppy and woodland critter illustrations. Why? I don't know. Perhaps the reason is as simple as "people like cute animals." I can dig it.