If Book Characters Had Starbucks Orders, Here’s What They’d Get (And How The Baristas Would Mess Up Their Names)

NEW YORK - AUGUST 5: Beverage cups featuring the logo of Starbucks Coffee are seen in the new flagship store on 42nd Street August 5, 2003 in New York City. The Seattle-based coffee company has emerged as the largest food chain in the Manhattan borough of New York with 150 outlets. (Photo by Stephen Chernin/Getty Images)
Source: Stephen Chernin/Getty Images News/Getty Images

I've had my fair share of compliments on my name, but for the most part it's a phonetic nightmare. 95 percent of the time people will hear Sarah/Tara/Kara/Vera. No matter how hard I try to over-pronounce the "F" sound or slowly repeat, "No, 'F' as in FRANK," it usually ends up wrong. This is why I've adopted a new name when ordering Starbucks: Penelope. I mean, it's definitely made my friends give me a strange look or question identity crisis, but I've never had a barista go wrong when I provide that name. Just trust me on this one.

Call me the most basic of all the basics, but I love a good Starbucks drink. With a menu containing more than 80,000 drink combinations, there's always something different to try. And they keep you addicted by constantly adding more. S'mores frappuccino? Um, yes please. And the new mini-sized Starbucks drinks for when I shouldn't be ordering more caffeine at the end to the day but have a giant hankering? Hells yes

It seems like there's something for everyone at Starbucks, including fictional literary characters. Isn't that what everyone thinks about while waiting in line to order? Maybe not. But that's OK, because I'm pretty sure I've figured it out. Here's what your favorite fictional characters would get at the Starbucks in their worlds:

Daenerys Targaryen, Game of Thrones

Starbucks order: Iced Grande dirty chai latte

Daenerys' coffee choice probably reflects her personality: strong, bold, and powerful with a hint of a sweet side. But lets be real. There's no way a barista is going to nail the spelling of her name. (I mean, honestly even I have to Google it every time.) It'd probably come out something like this: 

Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride

Starbucks order: Espresso macchiato 

Devoted and persistent, an expresso macchiato is a valiant drink for a man set on avenging his father. And because he's well-rehearsed line includes his first and last name, that's clearly what he'd tell the Starbucks barista. Who'd probably scribble down something like this:

A little less threatening this way around. Yikes.

Veruca Salt, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Starbucks order: Venti s'mores frappuccino 

Listen, Veruca has a some serious entitlement issues. She's not only used to getting things her way, but demands the newest, most greatest treats on the market. This is why the sugar overloaded s'mores frappuccino (sized-Venti, because duh) is right up her alley. Side note: I definitely wouldn't want to be the barista who gets her order wrong. Here's what they'd write on the cup:

That barista is going DOWN.

Hermione Granger, Harry Potter

Starbucks order: Tall cinnamon dolce latte

Hermione is one of the fiercest, most loyal characters in literature (in my humble opinion), which is why deserves a classy drink with a hint of spice: a cinnamon dolce latte. Before the first movie came out, I definitely did not know how to correctly pronounce her name. And if a barista had to take a stab at it, I'd imagine it'd turn out something like this:

Othello, Othello

Starbucks Order: Espresso shot

I would not want to get on this man's bad side, to be quite honest. Although Othello is an ambitious one, everyone who's read Shakespeare's tale knows jealously is his ultimate downfall. He definitely wouldn't order a weak drink, which is way an espresso shot seems fitting. But when it comes to providing his name for his drink order, there's a slim shot they'd get it right.

Gandalf, The Lord of the Rings

Starbucks Order: Tall blonde roast hot coffee

As a wise, brave, and powerful leader, Gandalf would order a no-nonsense coffee without any syrups or sugar added. With a unique name, Gandalf is sure to suffer the misinterpretation of a barista's spelling error, which would probably be something like: 

Effie Trinket, The Hunger Games

Starbucks Order: Venti caffè mocha, extra whip

Effie is used to living in the lap of luxury, so obviously her coffee choice would be just as extravagant. But with a name that's not quite popular, she's sure to raise her eyebrows at a barista's spelling attempt:

Piscine Molitor "Pi" Patel, 'Life of Pi'

Starbucks Order: Tall cappuccino

Brimming with thoughtful intellect, I have a feeling Pi would enjoy sipping on a simple cappuccino while reading the some kind of bestselling nonfiction novel. If he gave his full name, there's no doubt a barista would screw this one up royally:

Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy, 'Pride & Prejudice'

Starbucks Order: Tall Earl Grey brewed hot tea

I'm certain the brooding Mr. Darcy would order a hot Earl Grey tea, being English and whatnot. As for providing a name to his order, Fitzwilliam would most likely translate to something like this:

A little less romantic, unfortunately.

Images: Tumblr (8); Columbia Pictures (1); Dawn Foster/Bustle

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