How To Get a Guy According To Marilyn Monroe

by Mary Grace Garis

From Madonna to Anna Nicole Smith to Serena Van Der Woodsen, "every girl" wants to be Marilyn Monroe. I mean, not me, I want to be Bettie Page, but even I can't argue that the Some Like It Hot star is an icon, one celebrated deep into the new millennium on what would've been Monroe's 89th birthday. She is, in image, timeless. But when you see that image in motion, it becomes a little weird to emulate the seductive stylings of Monroe... because her on-screen tactics are maybe a smidge outmoded.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to downplay her as an eternal sex symbol. I'm just saying that some folks who will drop a fake Monroe quote or two in a Twitter bio, I've actually watched a handful of her films. Though I find them to be adorable vintage romps, I also find them to be wildly ridiculous instructional videos on how to marry a millionaire... and other men folk.

I say this not wanting to minimize the tragedy of Monroe, but just as a friendly reminder that that before people become icons, they're just, you know, people. And also a reminder that it's 2015, and maybe a jaunty show tune isn't going to land you a boyfriend the way it used to. Something like that.

But if you're still determined to channel Monroe, here's a few tips to land a man, based on some of her most iconic films.

1. Rich Men Are Remarkably Easy Targets

And they're the ONLY men worth dating! To get one of your own, follow this simple four step process.

1. Find someone rich.

2. Be a gorgeous flaxen-haired goddess who exists as walking sex.

3. ??????

4. Wacky high jinks.

5. Marriage.

2. Nothing's Hotter To a Straight Man Than a Song About What A Rampant Gold Digger You Are

Surround yourself with other men to remind him how desirable you are, then reject all their expensive jewelry to make it clear that you're extremely materialistic and high-maintenence. And remember, hot pink looks good on EVERYONE!

3. Keep An Open Mind: He May Be A Big Ol' Liar, But He's A Really Nice Guy

Do you know how hard it is to date these days? I mean, the man you're involved with may be on the run from the mob, problem solve by deciding to dress in disguise in order to escape the cops with his BFF, lied to you for the past several weeks, and so on. But do you really want to reactivate your OkCupid account again? I don't care if you're literally the most desired woman in the world, Marilyn teaches us to never forget that you are absolutely worthless without a man, even if you're getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop.

4. Walk Improperly. Always.

I've read before that our favorite bombshell got her trademark wiggle by shaving off a bit of her heel, but I'm quick to believe it's another Monroe myth. Either way, you can see that walk in every film, particularly in this scene from Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, and that's got to look enticing in real life. Cut off one heel and sashay everywhere, like a sensual hunchback. Take it to the next level and just twerk on everything you see. #ClassicElegance

5. Learn How To Be Subtle & Coy By Letting The Breeze From The Subway Blow Up Your Skirt

Once I was out with a crush and I was wearing a navy pleated mini, when a gust of wind up-skirted me. It was totally sexy for him to see the breeze unveil my pilled polka dot granny panties from Target, and we can thank Monroe for the inspo. Try this next time out on a date, I hear it's extra alluring if they guy's already married.

6. Glasses Are For Squares, And Nobody Will Ever Love You If You Wear Them

Plus, without proper vision, you get to go on more exciting adventures. Maybe you'll accidentally board a plane to somewhere new and exotic, like Kansas City. Oh, or maybe you'll meet a guy on that wrong flight, which is of course the most important thing in the world ever.

7. Actually, Just Kidding, You Can Wear Glasses If You're The Second Coming Of Marilyn

It adds character.

Images: 20th Century Fox; Giphy (7)