The ancient art of aiding and diffusing female emotional combat dates back to the beginning of time. Probably. On Inside Amy Schumer , Schumer teaches boyfriends female emotional combat and how to deal with their girlfriends' emotions. Basically, a "How Not To Eff Up Your Relationship By Saying Something Stupid: For Dummies." The skit was very tongue-in-cheek, as most of Schumer's work is, since women are clearly not walking emotion bombs who will rip your head off if you say they're only emotional because they have their period. But the skit did turn very dangerous at the end, because Schumer wants men to know that if you say the wrong thing, you're as good as dead.
The skit involves simulation scenarios that allow the three men who are "in training" to test out their responses to their "girlfriend." One guy, who makes the mistake of giving a temporary compliment to his girlfriend — Schumer says that compliments need to be on a grander scale. Think "You're the most beautiful girl in the world," not "You look pretty right now." — says the only mistake he made was "being born."
There was one guy who actually survives the simulation. When the trainee asks his girlfriend what was wrong, she says, "Nothing." Of course. But, this intelligent fellow is able to save himself from destruction by saying, "I love you, and I'm always here for you," while referencing what her therapist said about communicating. "Women can't deny the authority of therapy... and Oprah," Schumer says when the trainee is released from the simulation.
And then there's Louis. Poor Louis. You see, Louis makes the mistake of saying Amy — his fake girlfriend in the situation — was acting just like her mother. Louis, it was nice knowing you. Schumer ends the simulation there, and sends the trainees home. Louis might as well be dead, because he has royally screwed up. When the trainees are gone, Schumer completely loses it and starts breaking cinderblocks out of pure fury that she has been compared to her mother.
Thanks, Amy Schumer, for teaching men how to not say stupid things to women, one day at a time. And thanks for always keeping it *fresh* when it comes to pushing the envelope with stereotypical gender roles. You rock, don't ever change.
Images: Justin Stephens