The 10 Actual Worst Times To Drink Coffee, Because Having To Pee In The Middle Of An Important Meeting Is The Worst

I like sensational headlines, so when I started seeing stories pop up everywhere with titles like, "Why the Worst Time to Drink Coffee Is Actually In the Morning," I was naturally intrigued. How could morning be the worst time to drink coffee? That's when everyone drinks it! We're not all stupid, right?

Well, maybe we sort of are. In case you didn't read it already, here's the gist: Caffeine is a drug that interacts with the body in specific ways, and consuming it at certain times of the day yields a stronger effect than at others. In short, if you want the biggest jolt of energy from your cup of coffee, you shouldn't drink it when your cortisol (AKA your stress hormone) levels are high. This is because cortisol dampens the effects of caffeine and helps you build up a tolerance to it, so it makes your coffee doubly ineffective. Your cortisol levels peak a few times a day, including right after you wake up until about 9 AM, and between noon and 1 PM.

So, yes, science has shown us that maybe drinking coffee right when we wake up isn't the best idea for maximizing alertness. But does that mean that morning is really the worst time to drink it? I find this headline particularly misleading because you're allowed to drink coffee between 9 AM and noon, which is a pretty decent chunk of the morning (especially when you're a college student and you're pretty sure that the hours before 9AM are a myth perpetuated by the media and your parents.)

Here's my list of the times I think are the absolute worst times to drink coffee.

1. Before You're About to Give a Urine Sample Demonstrating That You've Given Up Caffeine


See? That's a really bad time to drink coffee.

2. In the Middle Of the Night


Reaching for a cup of water when you wake up parched? A-OK. Reaching for a steaming mug of coffee? Terrible idea.

3. Right Before a Long, Important Meeting During Which You Won't be Able to Pee


Caffeine is a diuretic, so you don't want to drink it before the most important job interview of your life that happens to be three hours long with no appropriate moments to excuse yourself for a bathroom break.

4. When You're a Toddler


Because that's much too young to start drinking coffee.

5. Before You Run a Marathon


Coffee is actually pretty dehydrating, so while carbo-loading is important before a long run, caffeine-loading is dangerous.

6. While Performing Open Heart Surgery


Not only is coffee wont to make you jittery, but also you should probably be focused on the patient whose organs are sitting in front of you, rather than your cup of java.

7. While Swimming


How are you going to swim and hold coffee at the same time? Bet you didn't think of that, didja?

8. During an Outbreak of a Deadly, Coffee-Induced Virus


Like, coffee is nice, but is it really worth dying over?

9. When You're My Grandma


Coffee really upsets my grandma's stomach.

10. Thursdays at 2:12 PM


Don't ask questions. Just trust me on this one.

Images: Giphy (10)