How To Meet Kim Kardashian In 11 Traumatic Steps

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Even if you're the sort of person who thinks the Kardashians are the bane of our collective existence as humans, I'd bet you the entire Kardashian Sears collection that you'd say "yes" to the opportunity to hop a private jet to Nashville to meet Kim Kardashian West at a Hype Energy drink launch. I'm no Kardashian hater, but I'm a busy business lady with plenty of my own stuff to do, so taking an entire work day to jaunt down to Music City, USA just for the chance to speak to some celebrity isn't something a responsible person does. Then again, Mrs. West — as I was instructed to call her — isn't just some celebrity. So I said "yes," and braced myself for what would be the weirdest day of my entire life.

What does one even wear to meet a celebrity like Kim? I opted for a bodycon skirt (I figured that would make Kim proud and solidify us as sisters in ownership of sizable derrieres) and a biker-style leather jacket with a bold magenta lip and heeled black boots. I imagined that North West's mom and I would bond over our love of wearing harsh accessories with sexy, skin tight garments. I would throw my head back to laugh, she'd see my gold, lion-head earrings and ask me where I got them. We'd pal around, I'd mention the mutual friend we have (this person does exist — I'm not totally delusional) and I'd return back to New York wearing a particularly obnoxious and airy shade of smug.

That, my friends, is not how one actually meets Kim Kardashian. Instead, I offer up the insane reality of my trip to meet the most famous woman in America. There was no giggling. There was no Kanye. And there was no Sisterhood of Women Who Wear Bodycon Dresses. This is how you meet Kim Kardashian:

1. Take Your First Private Jet

Get invited to the Hype Energy drink launch event in Nashville. Accept the invite. Take a party bus from Bryant Park to Teterboro Airport. Meet the nicest pilot known to humanity. Meet the other reporters just as bewildered to be there are you are. Get on the plane. Wonder who that gorgeous woman sitting at the back with an entourage is. Learn that it's not Kim Kardashian, but the future international sensation and biggest pop star in Afghanistan Aryana Sayeed, who also happens to rep Hype.

2. Sip On The Energy Drink That Sponsored Your First Trip On A Private Plane

Deplane, arrive in Downtown Nashville. Proceed to the press holding area in a snazzy event space. Eat some lunch. Realize the only beverage provided is Hype in various flavors. Throw caution to the win, drink the special, spicy one with a skull on it. Decide you might be too Hyped to meet Kim Kardashian. Realize you were probably going to be nervous, regardless of the amount of taurine you've just poured down your gullet. Marvel at the thought that the thing you just drank tasted like liquified Big Red.

3. Realize That You Are Just One Of Thousands Hoping To Giggle With Kim

Listen to legions of fans chanting "WE WANT KIM" and "MOVE THE PRESS." Feel the weight of Kim's fame. Let it crush you. Feel like a guppy in a fish bowl who's blocking the view of the world's rarest, most beautiful tropical fish.

4. Watch Kim Make A Young Mother's Day By Posing For A Selfie With Her Baby

Think about how wonderful it is that Kim is so committed to maintaining personal connections with her fans. Watch as the faces of everyone around the young mom — whose tears of joy are now streaming down her face as she cuddles her child — turn immediately from shades of hope and happiness to visages of envy and disappointment. Marvel at the power Kim yields by simply walking by a crowd of average folks.

Feel as if you will never accomplish anything in your life or be loved by one person as Kim is by literally millions. Then realize that this many people adoring you so ardently they'd park themselves in the middle of Broadway for hours just to get a glimpse of you is probably pretty terrifying. Dart frantically around the press area looking for alcohol to add to your Hype buzz and wonder why people are such terrifying creatures.

5. Watch With Your Mouth Agape As 100 Grown Ass People Run — Quite Literally — After A 5'3" Famous Woman

Jump up and down. Attempt to catch a glimpse of Kim through the sea of reporters and news professionals raising their iPhones to get a piece of her. Wonder if those old wives tales about cameras capturing your soul are real and muse that if they are, we, as a society, are basically torturing this poor woman. Raise your phone and join the people taking photos, because people need to know that you were here and that this really happened. Decide to worry about the soul-stealing thing later. It's probably not true anyway.

6. Attempt To Wait Your Turn To Speak To Kim, Fail Spectacularly

Watch in horror as that legion of grown ass adults, carrying boom mics, cameras, lights, microphones, backpacks, and some serious left hooks stampede after Kim as she moves to the next photo op. Marvel at the fact that the stage has not collapsed. Think momentarily that if it did, we might all be crushed by a the Formula One car that Kim was posing with earlier. Ask the publicist when you'll be getting your interview with Kim. Line up like you're told. Get crushed by the legion of grown ass adults who move as one chaotic mass whenever Kim steps an inch in any direction. Realize this is hopeless. Decide that you flew 900 miles and you will talk to this celebrity, goddamnit. Flag down the Kim wrangler, who couldn't care less that you flew 900 miles because she's "never heard of Bustle." Get elbowed in the face by a photographer who "really has to get this shot."

7. Realize That You Can Get Close To Kim, But You'll Never Be Close To Kim

Finally get the wrangler to notice you and acknowledge that you were flown here to talk to Kim. Proceed to chase this woman around the stage like so many of the grown ass people with cameras before you. Get stopped by two seven foot tall (likely not an accurate height, but you are overwhelmed so your grasp on metric measurements is off) bodyguards who apologize and say they know you're just doing your job, but they're just doing theirs. Share a knowing glance. Continue to wait patiently.

8. Meet Kim, Question Everything You've Done For The Past 30 Minutes

Finally convince the wrangler that being flown here to interview Kim outweighs her non-recognition of your publication. Get put on deck to interview Kim. Be paired with another reporter because "Kim is tired." Wonder if you could handle being a pregnant mother of a two-year-old who's hounded by fans and reporters after defending yourself from Twitter haters literally all morning.

Come to the conclusion that you could not handle this. Listen as Kim, who has laryngitis and can barely talk, still answers every question thrown at her with a smile on her face and copious eye contact. Witness her rasp her way through a question about the media hounding her for being pregnant. Consider the fact that someone in the media is asking this question about the media at a media event. Heed the wrangler when she tells you to wait to ask your questions. Feel the crushing weight of defeat as Kim's bodyguard pulls her away seconds before you finally get your shot. Make brief eye contact with Kim and realize that of the two of you, you had the easier time today.

Watch as one of the strongest women you've ever met in real life ascends the stage and musters just enough of her raspy, laryngitis-plagued voice to say "hello" to the fans chanting her name. Aspire to be this dedicated to anything.

9. Watch As Kim Leaves And Realize You Never Got Your Selfie

Then think about the fact that it's probably OK that you didn't just force this woman to pretend to be your friend for five seconds for the sake of an Instagram. Feel slightly less weird about contributing to her laryngitis and exhaustion.

10. Witness The Parting Of The Seas of Fans As Kim Hops Into An SUV, Which Is The Most Ridiculous Thing You've Ever Seen

Notice that this entire process takes a startling 60 seconds. Wonder if anyone's toes were crushed as the bodyguards seemingly effortlessly moved the barriers and parted the crowd. Leave the stage and think about how weird it is that no one needs to clear your path. Saunter down the street and appreciate your relative freedom.

11. Come Home, Feel As Tired As Kim Kardashian, & Realize That's Not Possible

Think about this fact every day for the rest of your life and be thankful.

Images: Kelsea Stahler/Bustle (13)