The Tony Awards celebrate the best of Broadway with some campiness and lots of sparkle. Hosted by Alan Cumming and Kristen Chenoweth, the ceremony at New York City's Radio City Music Hall is already a hoot (even if they're not the legendary Tony host Neil Patrick Harris). Naturally, the two hosts with the most have contributed to the best quotes of the Tony Awards. Because even an award show that honors the best in musicals can have some amazing spoken words. (You know, the Tonys do honor plays, too.)
Cumming and Chenoweth had some bizarre antics on stage (will I ever forget her dressed as E.T.? Nope), but I have to give them credit for trying. The rest of the night was filled with many awards being bestowed upon big names like Helen Mirren and even first-time winners. The Curious Incident of the Dog In The Night-Time has won Best Play and as everyone awaits Best Musical to be crowned, there's lots of award-show banter at the podium, and acceptance speeches, as well as singing, dancing, and — of course — jazz hands. I mean, it is the Tonys. It's gotta have some glitter.
So here are all of the night's best quotes from the Tony Awards:
1. "If You Count Your Over A Million Dollar A Week Box Office Receipts For The Last Three Months"
Chenoweth and Cumming sang this to Finding Neverland producer (and mega film producer) Harvey Weinstein to the tune of "Smile."
2. "Sounds Miserable." "Actually, It's Pronounced Miserables"
This great reference to Les Miserables comes from the musical Something Rotten! and got a huge laugh. It worked on so many different levels. No. 1: That quote above is hilarious. No. 2: It's like a primer on musicals for people who just switched the channel to CBS and asked themselves, "WTF are the Tonys?" No. 3: It's so self-aware that even musical theater nerds can appreciate the song.
3. "I Said 'Fun Home'"
Cumming said this to Chenoweth, who dressed in an E.T. costume for a joke that lets Fun Home be confused with E.T.'s catchphrase "phone home." It didn't get a huge laugh, but it was so bizarre that I'm LOLing in retrospect.
4. "How's My Hair? How's My Boobs?"
Chenoweth asking all the right questions after switching gears and performing a number from On the Twentieth Century.
5. "I've Seen Magic Mike, So I've Learned A Lot From You, Buddy"
In this bit about theater education, Magic Mike and Magic Mike XXL star Joe Manganiello asked actor Darren Criss who his inspiration was. This was his hilarious answer.
6. "Please Recycle"
Ruthie Ann Miles won Best Featured Actress In a Musical for The King And I and she read her acceptance speech from her phone for this very reason.
7. "I just want to dedicate this to any young person who feels different. Does that mean I can do anything? Yes, it does"
The talented Alex Sharp said this during his acceptance speech for the Best Actor in a Musical Tony Award. Empowering.
8. "You Don't Have To Pretend It's OK This Time"
Long-time nominee Kelli O'Hara to her parents, who have always put on a happy face for her after her losses during the past five times she's been nominated. But sixth time was a charm for O'Hara, who finally won a Tony for Best Leading Actress in a Musical for her role in The King And I.
9. "The True Measure Of A Man Is Not To Be Nominated & Still Show Up To Read A List Of Names Of Those Who Are Nominated. That's a Big Man. That's A Big, Big Man"
Fish In the Dark star Larry David said this as he took the stage with Seinfeld star Jason Alexander to present an award. David went onto address what he called alleged antisemitism at the Tonys: "People who, if it were up to them, would put aside the obvious anti-Semitism — yeah, that's right, yeah, I said it; I said it — the anti-Semitism that denies a nomination to a Larry David or a Harvey Weinstein. Then, yes, I am a loser."
10. "Did you hear about the movie version of Cabaret?" "Oh, I didn't get a call about that." "Oh, your part was cast, Johnny Depp is playing the emcee."
More funny Chenoweth and Cumming banter. (Can you imagine Depp as the emcee? I don't even know what to say.)
11. "Taking You Back To A Time When The Women Were Oppressed, Trans Was Just An Airline & The Men Had Cojones — And Those Cojones Were Squeezed Really Tight"
Chenoweth and Cumming said this as they introduced a performance from the musical Jersey Boys.
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