We thought that this day would never come, but, finally, Orange Is the New Black Season 3 has debuted on Netflix, and it is everything fans wanted and more. As soon as the opening bars of "You've Got Time" start playing, I feel a spring of joy rise up in my very soul as I prepare for these ladies to break my heart over and over again, making good decisions, making bad decisions, and sucking me even deeper into their emotional backstories that got them to where they are today. When I think about it, just in terms of my feels, it becomes increasingly clear that Orange Is the New Black has ruined my life. There needs to be a support group for all of the lives that the show has left massacred in its wake. I mean, some of us wanted to sleep Thursday night, Netflix!
Fans of OITNB find themselves in the unique position of having their lives ruined with every episode, and their lives ruined when we don't have new episodes to enjoy. We just can't win. Whether you were forced to go to bed on Thursday night with the sad knowledge that everyone would be talking about the new Orange Is the New Black episodes on Friday, or you stayed up all night against your good judgment and are paying for it now, here are all the ways that the show has ruined your life since the pilot episode.
1. You Basically Never Sleep Again
How are we supposed to sleep when there are new episodes of OITNB on Netflix? Hell, how are we supposed to sleep knowing there are old episodes we could be rewatching? How does sleeping even work? Because when I do it, it looks a lot like staying up all night to marathon episodes.
2. You Get Into Arguments About #SquadGoals
The ladies of OITNB have their squads, but they also have individual friendships that last an episode, or a season, or just an unforgettable moment in OITNB history. Thus, you end up having a lot of arguments over which pair, or group, make up your squad goals, because there are just so many to choose from. (My heart is still going wild for the moment Piper told Morello how much her friendship meant to her, and a tired Morello smiled and said she'd save that compliment for her bad days. Aww.)
3. Not To Mention #RelationshipGoals
This is coming from the girl who adores Nicky and Morello as a couple, so take this as you will. But, in addition to making and breaking friendships, OITNB also makes and breaks relationships. Some of our ladies are genuinely interested in other ladies. Some of our ladies are just scratching an itch while they're stuck in jail. Some of our ladies are pining after others of our ladies who are very heterosexual. And some of our ladies are pregnant from Bennett. 'Ship wars get crazy around here.
4. You Can Never Settle On A Favorite Character
Every new episode adds a depth to each character that they didn't have before, making you sympathize with people you never thought that you would sympathize with. (Except Vee. Go away, Vee.) Characters you didn't like, or didn't care about before, suddenly become your favorite, giving you emotional whiplash. How do you know what merchandise to buy when your precious cinnamon roll changes from episode to episode?
5. Your Work And School Performances Are Suffering
Around the time you wrote your name on a test or signed something as "Suzanne Warren" instead of your actual name, you started to figure out that maybe you had a problem. When you realized instead of writing an essay you just wrote "Orange Is The New Black" over and over again in Microsoft Word, you figured maybe you should get help.
6. No One Can Find You On Premiere Day
Work? School? Nana's 98th birthday? Pass. Sorry. OITNB to watch.
7. You Quickly Become A Bore To Non-OITNB Fans
All you find yourself talking about for the next few weeks after a season premieres is OITNB. There is nothing else to discuss. The weather? Can we talk about the weather at Litchfield? Food? Oh, my God, remember that time Soso had food? My outfit? Well, it's nowhere near as chic as what Poussey wears in her flashback episodes, but...
8. Who Are We Kidding? You Disowned All Non-OITNB Fans
I remember being a lot less prone to bursting into tears, or screaming in rage, before Alex Vause and Piper Chapman came into my life.... OITNB just totally ruined any claim I had toward being a normal human being. Oh, well.