Last night's Pretty Wicked Moms premiere was a whole mess of insanity — we're still trying to process it. It's a testament to the strength of the ensemble that the woman who considers a dog her child isn't necessarily "the crazy one."
Let's review the best Mommie Weirdest moments we've seen from each cast member so far.
Emily, “The Queen Bee”
- Emily has a daughter, Amzie, and is the proud owner of Swank, a clothing boutique. She makes her priorities alarmingly clear: "[Amzie] fits in my life. But Swank is my baby."
- Emily's invitation for her "Mom's Night Out" party at Swank features not one, but two photos of herself.
- Why Emily hates socializing with other moms: "All everyone wants to do is talk about their child."
- Despite her husband's protests, Emily sleeps with her daughter almost every night. But on the weekends, they have sex with the baby next to them in bed. (Amzie is almost two.)
Miranda, “The Southern Belle”
- Her son, Ledger (not a human name, y'all), is a "professional model," with his life scheduled down to the minute. "Sippy cup of milk" and "Snuggling" are allotted specific timeslots in his daily agenda.
- Miranda keeps her wedding dress on display in the guest bedroom.
- "Everyone in Atlanta calls Swank Skank."
Nicole N., “The Doggy Mom”
- Emily’s best friend Nicole doesn't have any children – well, human children. She adores her shih tzu, Summer, styling her fur with a flat iron and buying her a wardrobe that is almost definitely more expensive than my own.
- Botox in Atlanta? Duh — it's “like getting a tetanus shot.”
- After Marci mentions that she breastfed her children for more than a year, Nicole is scandalized: "Don't they remember?" How long do you think she breastfed Summer for?
- After Summer bites Miranda (which, naturally, Nicole blames Miranda for): "Summer has teeth the size of a little piece of rice."
Nicole B., “The Alpha Mom”
- Nicole's one-year-old daughter is named McKinley. Unless you're a scholar who wrote your doctoral thesis on the 25th president of the United States, I'm pretty sure that too is not an acceptable human name.
- Nicole is fixated on making sure Addison's Mad Hatter-themed birthday is "perfect," shelling out $8 for each invitation. Again, she's turning one.
- When Addison's record-setting 106-degree birthday arrives, Nicole is furious that the moms are sitting at a table and talking amongst themselves. At a children's party. For a one-year-old.
Marci, "The Divorcee"
- Marci, mom to three kids, says the phrase "I'm recently divorced" almost as often as she blinks. Which is a lot.
- Actually, I don't have much of anything negative to say about Marci, in part because she puts Nutella on her pancakes. Way to be, lady. Way to be.
Meredith, "The Newbie"
- Meredith is a stay-at-home mom to daughter Addison. Expressing her surprise at the glamourous gowns the other women chose to wear to McKinley's birthday party (again: she's one), Meredith may very well be the sanest person on the show.
- ... or is she? There's something a little Single White Female-y about Meredith, who aspires to be exactly like Emily and company: "I want their teeth, I want their clothes, I want their makeup stylists. I want the whole package."
- "The only time I will go to a playdate is if there's alcohol served."
So, which mom is the craziest? Though the commercials had me betting on Nicole N., I think Emily's the true frontrunner — unless Meredith can prove to be the dark horse who wins it all.
Images via Lifetime