Piper's Underwear Monologue Is The BEST
"I need your vag sweat!" Piper Chapman yelled atop a table in the Litchfield courtyard, as angels sang from the heavens. While she might have gotten carried away a little bit, Piper's underwear monologue is hands down one of the best parts of Orange is the New Black Season 3. It's empowering, uplifting, and I have a feeling we're going to be quoting it for a while. It is just as moving as Bill Pullman's speech from Independence Day, when he's talking about defeating the aliens and taking back earth? Yes. But, Piper's is even better, since it's about female empowerment — and underwear.
What causes this rousing speech for the ages? Oh, you know, just Piper trying to talk some other inmates into wearing underwear, and then giving it to her so she can smuggle it out of the prison and sell it online. Honestly, it's a brilliant idea. Piper takes unused — not stolen — material from Whispers, has some of the girls wear it around, and sweat in the undergarments a bunch so they're, um, smelly, and off they go to men around the country with a very specific fetish. Win win for everyone, right?
It doesn't seem that way to everyone in the beginning, which causes Piper to channel great speakers of yesteryear, stand up on the picnic table, and proclaim her underwear manifesto. Here are the best moments from the best underwear monologue we've ever seen on Netflix. (Or anywhere, really.)
1. Every Time She Calls The Girls Her "Sisters"
Sisters. Piper's sisters, in arms, in prison, in underwear. Girl power, much? Hey, it works.
2. When Piper Suggests That They'll Be Supporting A Local Business
That's right, keep the money at home. Isn't that how a community thrives?
3. The Little Jab At American Apparel
OITNB isn't afraid of anything, and that includes making AA mad. Going off of supporting a local business — Made in Litchfield, everyone — she suggests that she's just like American Apparel, but you know, with "less implied statuary rape."
4. The Underlying Message Of Self Love
"Let [these panties] say that Litchfield is a place where women love their bodies, and have love to spare!"
5. The Hella Patriotic Music That Started Playing In The Background
Seriously, I almost suggested, nay hoped, that slowly an American flag would come into view, and just softly blow in the wind. While that didn't happen, I do think I shed a single tear.
6. When C.O. Donaldson Comes Outside, And Politely Asks Her To Get Off The Table
Do you just want to read it in all its glory? OK, because I transcribed it below for you, sisters. Now go forth, and make a reek.
If you accept my proposal, nay, my invitation. To join me on a miraculous adventure. I need your panties. Well, I will give you the panties, but I need you to wear them. I need your vag sweat. And maybe some, colorless discharge. I'm starting a business selling stinky panties to pervs. It's easy. I give you flavor packets, and you give me something you're already giving away for free. And you are supporting a local business. I'm like American Apparel, with less implied statutory rape. I, too, was once embarrassed and squeamish about my personal eau de parfum. But then I thought, why should I be ashamed?. Isn't that part of the self hatred that has been bred into me by the patriarchy? And are those same men that will shame me? Are they not the same me that will wear my panties on their head, inhaling deeply? Ladies, now is the time to be bold. For when these men smell your panties, they are smelling your character. Let them smell daring and courage. Let them smell women who are unabashed, and unself conscious, and let them say that Litchfield is a place where women love their bodies, and have love to spare. Sisters, we may be incarcerated, but our panties will travel the world. And in that way, long after we are gone, our smell our smell will linger in some gas station in Toronto, in some office cubilce in Tokyo. And in that way, we are known, and in that way, we are remembered, do you want to be remembered? Then sweat profusely, and fart will abandon, and make a reek, make a reek my sisters, make a reek to last one thousand years!