Summer is here! And everyone is rejoicing. Right? We’re supposed to be all "summer loving, had me a blast"? It’s that amazing time of year when I learn that to get a boyfriend all I have to do is change my personality completely and take up smoking (but don’t worry, he’ll give up his personality too so at least we’ll have no sense of self together!). But I get it, people love having a hot summer sex fling— we’re rocking swimsuits and showing off skin and the days are longer, meaning you want to stay out and soak up the sunshine. Everyone’s in peak flirting mode. Perfect conditions for some sexy summer evenings, right? Bull. In my experience summer loving is less "ahhh, those summer nights", and more sweaty, smelly ball of mess.
Growing up with New Hampshire’s muggy summers meant the ultimate sweat and bug spray combo — not ideal sexing conditions. Add onto that walking around with my thighs screaming with fire from chaffing (and sometime those ass cheeks too!) it’s amazing I had any sex at all. Why do we pretend like it’s the sexiest time of year? Winter sex keeps you warm and cozy, summer sex keeps you smelly and... moist. I am over it. And I refuse to believe it’s just me. I’d like to put forward seven reasons why summer sex is the worst:
1. Foot smell
Hell hath no fury like the smell of your flats after a day walking around without socks on. Seriously, how do shoes hold so much smell? It's completely fine when the shoe is on, but lift one toe out, move up one part of your heel, and within seconds you will be choking on summer foot smell. The U.S. government should harness its powers and strength. You can excuse yourself to the bathroom and wash your feet in the sink all you want, you're not fooling anyone. Sexy time.
2. Sweat rivers
I don't mind a sweaty sexual partner. There's something hot about working up a sweat in bed. There's something less sexy about a river of his sweat dripping onto you in the middle of doing it, and something just straight up gross when it drips in your eye or... mouth. Welcome to summer!
3. Sweat... sounds?
Nothing sexier than hot summer nights and two sweaty stomaches thwap thwap thwaping together like drunk seals. Bonus points when they sort of suction cup together and make a farting noise as they rip apart.
4. No traction whatsoever
I'm not kidding about the seals. Having hetero-sex? I hope you like his penis popping out of you way more than normal because you're gonna be lucky just to stay on top of each other. I have literally slipped off of the hood of a guy's car into the dirt, because I am a classy lady with the composure and core strength of Anna Pavlova (a famous dancer I just looked up).
5. Make-up melt
I'm not a big makeup girl, I don't like foundation or concealer or anything but I tend to throw on eyeliner and mascara before I go out. Which may look cute at the beginning of the night, but at the end of a summer hookup it looks like I'm weeping blurry spiders from my eyes. Sexy, weeping, blurry spiders.
6. Bug spray and suntan lotion skin
"Mmmmm... you taste so... *tongue starts burning with the fire of the sun*". See, skin care is important. I'm anal about suncream in the summer, and when I'm back in New Hampshire there's a good chance I've got bug spray on too. Neither of which smell amazing or taste amazing on your partner's skin. It's like when I think my cookie has chocolate chips and it really has raisins aka Satan's poop, instead. Yuck. Also, sunscreen and bug spray effing sting if you get them in your eye through sweat. Have fun with that.
7. Sweat spoons
So you successfully had summer sex! It smelled terrible and sounded like you ate a thousand angry, sweaty burritos, but you did it! Time to cuddle. Except you're both covered in sweat, your sheets are damp and sticking to you in places you never wanted sheets to be, and touching just makes everything a million times worse. WELCOME TO SUMMER SEX PEOPLE.
You know what else is the worst? Dating! Check out 5 dating tips only your bartender knows (and subscribe to Bustle's YouTube channel for more life tips):
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