Summer has finally set in. And you know what that means: Your ass is going to be wet through September. Not because of anything sexual or because you're going to be on lovely vacations the whole time, but because of your own sweat. That's right: It's time to prepare for swamp ass. Swamp vagina and swamp testicles too. General swamp crotch, if you will. Yes, for the next three months it's going to be so hot and humid outside, you'll be in a constant state of swimming in your own bodily juices, and it will all be very slippery and smelly and sometimes even downright disgusting.
As someone with a very sweaty summer butt, I'm here to help you. You might feel like a perspiring mess, and you are, but there are things you can do to minimize the impact of your self-showering bikini areas. It's not just an aesthetic concern either, as swamp ass can become a very uncomfortable thing to live with. It makes you itchy, you're leaving puddles behind you everywhere you go, or the odor is easily discernible to anyone in your vicinity. Be a swamp monster no more! Use these nine tips for dealing with your swamp ass this summer:
1. Ditch your pubes
I don't want to tell you what to do with your pubes in order to maintain a "sexy" look. My advice has got nothing to do with that. And I know pubic hair seems like a natural barrier for sweat, yada yada, but if you're particularly sweaty, all pubes do is help your sweat pool about your areas. From my experience, if you want to create the optimum region for sweat to dry out and leave you alone, you're going to want to wax off, or at least shear down, most of your little curlies.
2. Don't sit on leather, ever
Sitting on leather when you have swamp ass is asking for trouble. You are going to get even hotter and sweatier than you would have if you stayed standing, and there's a high probability that you will leave behind a visible wet spot when you stand up.
3. Keep baby wipes on you
This should be a general rule for all seasons, because you never know when you might want to freshen up. A quick swipe of a baby wipe when you have a private moment will keep your butt, well, as fresh as a baby's bottom after its been wiped up.
4. Carry spare undies
If you're day is long and full of terrors, plan for it. For instance, if you know you're going on a 6 mile bike ride and then straight out to dinner, be prepared. Put a spare pair of undies in your bag, and when the ones you're wearing are soaked through you can tag them out.
5. Use talcum powder and perfume
Hey so yeah a lot of these tips are "act like a baby" (with the wipes, changing, and now this), but if we can learn anything from babies it has to be ass care right? Perfume reacts with heat creating pressure points in your body (which is why you often hear "experts" saying to spray a dash behind your knees), so imagine how much it will react with your sweaty butt. Spray a little from a safe distance (so you don't sting any sensitive holes) and use a pinch of scentless talcum powder to absorb any excess moisture.
6. Splash down
If you're in a swamp ass emergency and you don't have any of the above options, a splash down in the bathroom is a resourceful way to freshen up. Splash some cold water from the sink to your special areas and pat dry. Viola! The rejuvenating power of water!
7. Wear skirts where possible
You know when you're sweating up the subway platform and you feel the air of an arriving train so you lift your arms to let your pits dry out? Skirts are the crotch equivalent, letting your bits breathe a bit rather than keeping your swamp ass all mashed in like pants.
8. Go cotton
Forget your fancy pants in summer. Polyester, nylon, silk, whatever it is you wear to look "hot". These are all going to trap sweat and make your bits stinky. Cotton granny panties are where it's at for breathability.
This in in keeping with the baby theme. Moisturize your bits. I know this might seem weird, or maybe it's something you already do, but if you maintain your skin and keep it nice smelling, any sweat that comes to the area will bring out that lotion and keep you well scented. I like Cocoa Butter personally, but whatever floats your boat.