5 Ways The Sex Scenes In The New 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' Book Sound Way Different From Christian’s Perspective

Obviously, anyone who reads the new Fifty Shades of Grey book, Grey, is not really in it for the plot line. Don’t even try to pretend you are, because 1) You've already read the exact same plot in the original trilogy, and 2) I’m going to lead the parade here and admit to everyone that I also really just wanted to hear all the dirty, sexy thoughts going on inside that billionaire’s perfectly-mussed, copper little head.

And boy, did they deliver.

Christian is way different from Ana. Where she’s all hesitation and fidgeting, he’s cool confidence and dirty talk. (No, seriously, he’s ALL dirty talk and expletives.) Where Fifty Shades of Grey is riddled with “Holy crap!”, Grey goes more of a simple route, shall we say. (You need four letters. That's it.) The sex scenes are accordingly written: Simple, dirty, and to the oh-so-sexy point.

I’ve gone line by line through five of the most famous sex scenes from the original book and compared them with Christian’s take on it all. If you’re not at least a little turned on by the end of this article, I might take it as a personal offense.

The First Kiss In the Elevator

Made a bazillion times hotter because we’re hearing Christian’s dirtiest, innermost thoughts, made all the more desperately amorous because they haven’t even hardly touched yet. I think I picked up a few new terms for my own dirty pillow talk while reading this book, and they all come entirely from Christian’s inner dialogue while he’s thinking about or looking at Ana. If ever there were a time to use the word “ravish,” this is totally it.

What we get from Ana: My breathing alters as my heart races. His head turns fractionally toward me, his eyes darkest slate. I bite my lip.”

What we get from Christian: I’m hard. Instantly. I want her. Here. Now. In the elevator.”

The Vanilla Sex Scene

In which Ana is very much enjoying losing her virginity to Christian, while Christian is getting his first taste of Ana, and also freaking out that she’s a virgin. (To the point where it’s a little annoying, actually. He brings up this fact no less than 10 times, either to her or to the reader through his own inner monologue.) But we do get to hear about his methodically sexy process while he’s popping her “vanilla cherry,” as it were.

What we get from Ana: "The anticipation is exhilarating ... I’m enticingly ensnared by him and he’s poised and ready.” What we get from Christian: My mind flits through a number of punishments worthy of such a bold move that, if she were my submissive, I could inflict on her ... Watching her, I see that she’s still, except for the rise and fall of her back as she pants in anticipation.”

The First Time Christian Spanks Ana

This scene from Christian’s point of view tells us a WHOLE lot more about what’s going on inside his head when he spanks Ana for the first time. As you may remember, she hasn’t signed the dom/sub agreement yet, so this scene is a pretty big deal for people (of which I am one) who argue that FSOG is actually a terrible example of a consenting, healthy BDSM relationship.

But in hearing Christian’s thoughts, we find out that this scene really makes or breaks their relationship for him. As he puts it, is she really interested in being a sub, or is she just “paying lip service” to the idea? Whether or not that’s an accurate statement is a whole ‘nother topic, but it’s certainly interesting to hear what he thinks about it.

What we get from Ana: His voice is so soft, menacing, and it’s damned hot… He gazes at me, waiting, eyes blazing…. Should I run?” What we get from Christian: Will she? Won’t she? This is it. Proof of whether she can do this or not. I watch her, impassive, waiting for her to decide. If she says no, it means she’s paying lip service to the idea of being my submissive. And that will be it. Make the right choice, Ana.”

The First Play Scene In the Red Room of Pain

Ana’s point of view from her time on St. Andrew’s Cross is almost lyrical. Sure, there are the dirty bits when she’s describing exactly what he’s doing with that brown plaited leather riding crop, but otherwise it’s all adjectives as she describes the “sweet” and “strange” hedonism that is her first experience of Christian Grey in playroom mode.

Christian is all business and all dirty talk. Ain’t nobody got time for that descriptive nonsense.

What we get from Ana: “Uncoiling from the floor, rising lazily, like a jungle cat, he points the end of the riding crop at my navel, leisurely circling it — tantalizing me.” What we get from Christian: “[I] stand, considering my next move ... This will be good Ana, trust me.”

The Infamous Tampon Removal

Look, I hold no judgments against some good, hot, crime-scene sex. Y’all do you. But I don’t particularly want to hear every last detail of Christian pulling out Ana’s tampon before he screws her senseless. When we hear it from Ana’s side of things, it’s a quick tug, a short gasp, and then on to the more-than-usually-lubricated sexytimes. But I think E.L. James was capitalizing a bit on the shock value that the original scene caused when she wrote Grey, because we get way too much information about when he notices the string, what he’s going to do, how he does it, and what he does with it.

It wasn’t really sexy, it mostly just left me concerned for the poor plumbing system he threw the damn tampon into. Those things go into the wastebasket, yo.

What we get from Ana: What?!” What we get from Christian: “My hand glides down her ass to the blue string, and I tug out the tampon, which I toss in the toilet. She gasps, shocked, I think…”

Suffice it to say that Christian and Ana are obviously two different people, and so anyone expecting their stories to be exactly alike holds even less faith in E.L. James’ authorship capabilities than I do. While there are some parts that are definitely sexier, and some that are less sexy, than their original counterparts, overall, I think she did a pretty good job of repackaging content that her loyal legion of readers probably already know by heart.

Slow clap for slightly exceeding my expectations, James.

Slow.

Clap.

Images: Universal Pictures; Giphy (5)